Resolution/Revolution

New Year's. The cliche time of year when people make resolutions that typically last maybe a week. Maybe longer. But rarely through the year.

I don't really have any resolutions. Goals, maybe. But not resolutions in the traditional sense.

I'm currently sitting at my parent's house watching/listening to the International House of Prayer, Kansas City, onething conference. Ringing in the new year, not with watching a shiny crystal ball fall from a tower in NYC and listening to pithy secular music, but ringing in the new year with worshiping the One who gave us life. I desire to see the level of worship that they have at onething in the local churches here. The focus on prayer and worship, along with rightly dividing the Word.

My desires for the new year are to grow deeper in Christ. To sell out to Him. To lose myself for the One who found me. In my worship, in my prayer life, in my devotions, in my readings, in my life.

On Sunday, pastor Floyd talked about living wholeheartedly for God, and asked the simple question: Are you living wholeheartedly for God? Just a few days ago I was thinking about how I don't like who I am outside of church. I let my guard down. I don't pay as close attention to what I say, or how I react to things, or who is around me. It made me thing: What kind of Christian am I? A Pharisaical hypocrite! I don't want to catch myself wondering how I would act, or react, if I were around people from church. Because it doesn't matter whether I am around people from church, or if I'm in the middle of a crowd of strangers - there. is. always. ONE. constant. - and that is Christ. He is the only One I should care about how I act around. Which means the anger, and irritation, and annoyance (because I tend to be antisocial and jump to conclusions, etc [like walking into a store and being judgmental because they don't have something on the shelf that I think they should have and I let them know it), need to be transformed into love. So, in short: No. I haven't been living wholeheartedly.

Another desire for this new year... Which sounds like a cliche resolution at first: to lose weight/become more fit. But I want to do it, not only for health, or to fit into clothes I haven't worn since college... I want to get to a point where I can kneel in prayer again. Maybe that sounds silly. I know that how you situate yourself when you pray is not as meaningful as what you pray... but there's just something about kneeling in prayer. And I can't stand it that I can't kneel. So that's my biggest motivation for losing weight. Aside from all the other reasons (like maybe my knees wouldn't give me such issues in general, aside from not being able to bend to kneel). I want to be able to jump and lift my hands in worship without being self-conscious about how I might look (Coz I know it can't be pretty).

I also hope to continue to grow in my spiritual giftings/discovering them. Learning to walk in what I haven't yet fully discovered or had revealed to me.

I'm excited for what this year holds. I could recap this last year. It was full of firsts. Apartment. Full-time job. Car. It was also a time of transition and growth. Much of that to do with my church (no it's not technically mine, i don't own it, it's God's church, but it's where i go, and where i call home). A point of transition - spiritually especially, happened during out Women's retreat in August. I am blown away by the transformation in the women of the church, in myself, and in the church as a whole as a result of the things we learned that weekend. I feel like it accomplished what we set out to do: grow deeper in Christ, and get to know each other better and bring unity to our women's group. Although I have not been able to attend on Wednesday nights much since the retreat, I still feel that there is a closeness that was not there before the retreat. It brought us together. Most important it brought us closer to Jesus. I really feel like that weekend, although I was kind of distant all weekend due to personal battles trying to steal it from me, was a turning point for me to bring me out of the desert again.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for me this year, but also for the church. I'm looking forward - praying & believing - for immense spiritual growth, for courage to spread the Gospel, to speak to the surrounding people and communities, to show the people in this county who God truly is.

Anyway, that is all I have for now. I already started this post last year, and what do you know, a new year has already rolled around! (sorry for the stale new year's joke)

Reflections, Gratitude, & Spiritual Growth

As I reflect on this last year and how blessed I have been through the stress and the mess of things, I only have gratitude toward God, and for those who have walked beside me in this journey and continue to do so.

Out of that gratitude I want to give back and be a blessing. I just don't know how to minister well to people. I used to serve a lot more than I do now. Anymore I don't get as much time learning as I used to. So that makes me cherish the times I can be in service and listen and learn. I'm not really cut out for teaching, I don't think anyway. Maybe God has other plans for me. But I don't know right now. I just feel like I have forgotten to be a servant these last few years. I was nominated for a Servant Leadership award during college. That blew my mind then because I didn't know what anyone saw in me that they would even nominate me then. I especially don't see that in myself right now. And I want that to change.

This last weekend I gave a friend a back massage. I haven't really had much opportunity to give back massages to friends since college. I used to give my friends (you know who you are ;) ) back massages a lot. I loved doing that; being able to minister in healing with massage. I always took the opportunity to quietly pray for my friends during that time. It blessed me to be able to help them feel better. It definitely blessed me to be a blessing. Just being able to help my friend move her head better blessed me. Being given the opportunity to give a back massage again was a blessing. The last time I gave back massages was for a ladies night like a year or more ago. That's too long a time between giving back massages!

I just feel so many things stirring in my spirit. Ministering to others, serving others, praying for others both one-on-one and corporately. I haven't really felt a heart of ministry since college. I hadn't been with a group of believers who are all seeking God and ready for breakthrough in the spiritual realms since college. I keep being reminded of my time with Prayer Watch. I feel as if I wandered from that path after Prayer Watch ended, and am returning to where I was then, and growing beyond it. I am still excited for what God is doing in the church body that I am a part of. I don't want to become complacent in this season of growth. I don't want us to stop seeking just because we've grown a little. I pray the fire keeps burning within us and the Holy Spirit keeps pouring out His presence among us.

We, I, can't back down or become stagnant in growth. It makes me think that the complacency that I felt early this week, which i feel was part of a spiritual attack to get me to just stop being fervent in my reading or studies. I mean how easy would it be to just have given up early this week and let myself fight through the jaw pain and being tired and moody this week coz that's what my body felt. I could have just blown off my readings and not tried to study anything. I could give up on trying to bless others, because what can I really do? Right? How easy is it to become complacent in the day to day grind! When I feel like that I know I can't give in. Because I know God has greater things in store, not only for myself but for the small church body that I call home.

I feel as if a shift happened in the atmosphere when the women got back from our retreat in August. Something happened there. Something changed in our church. A fire was lit. We really did begin a "Fresh Brewed Life". It wasn't just a catchphrase for the weekend and what our leaders hoped would happen. It actually happened. It has been evident in our lives. I'm still excited for what God is doing in us, how He is growing us, molding us.

I can't put it into words adequately, so with that I will finish this slightly long winded and random post. I don't even know how many of my thoughts were cohesive. I do have a tendency to begin a thought without any backstory. And I feel like that has been several of my most recent posts. I don't think I have a really good starting point without going into far too much detail that would really be unnecessary and somewhat boring for most. Especially those adsensewatchdog people that keep stalking my page and jacking up my stats. Oh well. Time for me to sleep and see if my dreams are any more cohesive than this blog post.