Forgot the deadline for the Saturday Seminar project. Also didn't have a group to do it in.

I keep not being able to get things on paper for my papers for Bib Theo. I stink at getting my thoughts on paper these days.

Adolescent Lit is a blow off class.... Since we hardly ever learn anything, and the book is lame.

Practicum for YM? The youth pastor is not doing the things he should be doing. How am I supposed to do what I should be doing if he is not properly equipping me.

Meh. I feel like this semester is doomed for disaster... which is not good since it's supposed to be my last one. Feeling like an oddball as a fifth year senior doesn't help any. Not having finances to support myself after graduation doesn't help. Neither does not knowing what I'm going to be doing once I leave here.

Basically... I'm feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed...

I know that God is doing something but right now it just seems so hard to figure out what.

I can't say "Descend On" without overwhelming panic and distrust, no matter how good my belayer.

late night ramblings

I went to a time of worship at the Shiloh Prayer Chapel this evening. That was good. It's been a long time since I was in there, especially for a community worship event. I miss Prayer Watch...

I have a paper to work on tomorrow. And a presentation to prepare for Friday morning. This is going to be interesting. Coz neither I or my groupmate on this project have gotten together to do anything yet. Lovely. But my partner on the project is a cheerleader and was gone all of last week/end for the men's basketball games that were out of town... like Branson, MO out of town... long ways...

One of the girls from youth group is going to be on campus a couple of times this week for different college preview stuff. I hope I don't come off the wrong way if I don't have much time...

I need to go to the store tomorrow... Aldi has good prices on milk. Might look at some other stuff to get there if I can get some healthy stuff... although I'm not sure that is even possible at Aldi... where everything is mostly packaged stuff that is an off-brand name and is much cheaper.

I took a nap earlier this evening, because working on my project with the girl in my group fell through. I wasn't sure how much time I had this evening. I feel like I was a jerk to one of my friends. If you read this, I'm sorry, I was just feeling extremely overwhelmed at the time you messaged me, and I didn't mean to be a jerk to you.

Once I got back I was able to check my e-mail and she'd finally e-mailed me back about meeting tonight, saying she couldn't. So since I was so tired from the Bib Theo class (which for some reason makes me go cross-eyed and get drowsy) that I came back to my room and took a nap on the loveseat in the living room. Not the most comfortable thing to do, coz your feet end up falling asleep from being up on the arm of it. I kept falling asleep and then waking up and jerking myself awake, because I was cold from the furnace fan going, and the light was on, and I wasn't all that comfortable...

Anyway... this is a very long post, and I should be going to bed... I need to get up somewhat early to shower and start writing on my paper that I somehow accidentally deleted or didn't save properly. If I had one of those waterproof pen and notepads, I could save time and write the paper in the shower... I seriously have some of my best (and sometimes not so great) ideas while isolated in the shower. Or when I'm falling asleep.... Never when I am fully conscious and sitting in front of my computer... which is most of my life these days... Maybe computers really do kill brain cells... Hmmm... I get tired of not using my imagination as much as I used to... I feel like my creativity has gone down the drain as I get older... I want to be the kind of person who thinks of something by "staring out a window" like that one story goes with the guy complaining about another guy who is in his office staring out the window all the time, while everyone else is being a number-cruncher and go-get-em kind of worker... But while they are doing, doing, doing, he is thinking, and he figures out a solution to something... I used to think of stuff all the time... and although some of it was somewhat crazy and usually improbable, at least I was trying new things out in my head, instead of just going through the motions of stuff all the time...

OK, I really need to go to bed, because now everyone is going to be bored, or think I'm a wacko, or both...

Goodnight everybody....

Well, I've not posted on here for quite a while. I don't even remember what I last posted about. I'm sure that not much has happened since then. Life has been crazy since getting back from spring break. At least now it's spring. This last week there wasn't one night that I got to bed before 1am. That pretty much had me wiped out for the weekend. I didn't have anything planned for yesterday so I slept in as late as I could, which ended up being about 11:00. And I even slept through my alarm this morning and missed church today. I had a dream that I was wearing one of those t-shirts with speakers in them a la thinkgeek's "personal soundtrack" tee. Except the shirt I was wearing was red, I think. And I couldn't find the off button. So I kept hearing Bono belting out "It's a beautiful day... Don't let it get away..." with the guitar and everything... repeating itself multiple times. It started to get annoying, and I kept trying to turn it off somehow. I finally became conscious enough to reach to my phone and peck the OK key to get it to shut off, but by then it had apparently gone off for about half an hour because I didn't get up after that until about 10:20am. I had woken up earlier in the morning, around 6am to my roommates' alarm clock beeping. It had been set for 5:15am coz they had a track meet to go to and had to be up then yesterday morning. So, it had been going off for a while, too. I must have been really out of it.

So far today I have watched the movie "Wargames: The Dead Code". It was really good. Nice action, tech stuff that I enjoyed. I don't think I've ever seen the original, or if I have it's been a while. I think I saw the movie "Hackers" but not the first Wargames movie. It was a good choice, though.

I haven't done much other than that, and look up stuff online, and send in a paper that was due earlier last week. Now I need to see what else I have to do before tomorrow. Last night, even when I went to bed before midnight, I still didn't get to sleep much before 1am. I kept thinking about stuff. Wondering if I had any big papers due this week. Thinking about how I'm going to get things done by the time graduation roles around. What I need to get done for graduation. How am I going to get all my stuff home after graduation. Am I going to have the money to pay off everything up here before I leave? I have a medical bill I'm still paying on. And a late fee from the library. And a very small paycheck this last time. Yes, I realize I need to be smarter with my money. I don't need any responses on that front...

Looking forward to graduation is somewhat hard, sort of not. Hard because I do not know how many people I know who will actually be able to come. My parents aren't up to traveling, which I understand. I'm not sure how all my stuff is going to get home. I'm not sure how many, if any, close friends will be able to come. I've heard rumors of certain family coming, but not sure if they will make it up here either. And graduating and leaving Bethel will be somewhat easy because I am very seriously feeling the "senioritis" being a 5th year senior because my friends have already graduated, and I doesn't know many of those in the classes below mine, and I'm just ready to do life without so many rules and people looking over my shoulder every minute. Although that might still be the case if one is prone to believing all the "big brother" stuff they see on TV...

Anyway.... this post has gotten long and rambly. I could probably think of a bunch of other things to fill it with, too, but I'm not feeling like writing much more.... which you are all probably thankful for...