you are always being watched

If there's one thing i have learned in watching all of the spy/espionage/suspense/action movies/tv shows that i watch it is this: you are always being watched.

It doesn't matter what you do or where you go, you are always being watched.

It drives people to paranoia.

It makes them think twice before doing something.

I think this hit me kind of hard the other day when an acquaintance sent me a message the other day. It made me think about how i have been living... in a spiritually dry season, not really trying to even make it to the oasis that is His Word, much less get up and walk beside Him through this desert land.

I have not had a good attitude about much lately. It has not been pretty. Especially not to me. I don't like how i have been acting, and i have known that i need some quality time with the Father. But i had not acted on this knowledge.

It's such an odd feeling. Knowing that you have influence where you don't think you have influence. Knowing that someone is taking cues from you.

It's a really strange feeling.

It's something that i've been told before, though. That others will be influenced by me, even when i don't know it.

It makes that bad attitude i've had lately even uglier.

Yeah... i guess that was a 2x4...

listening to a short little green guy

Maybe i'm being irrational. Maybe i'm actually trying to plan for my future. Right now i'm not sure. Thus the blog post.

I was talking with some people at church the other day and Alberta mentioned to the guy she and Kandice were talking to about how i am the live in computer whiz at the church right now, and she mentioned that i'm not studying anything related to computers. For some reason people always seem to be shocked that i have such an interest in computers, and yet have not studied them at all during my college career.

I've been looking into ITT-Tech, and the possibility of going there for some classes.... more like 4 more years of classes, for a Bachelor's Degree in something... which I am looking at Criminal Justice - Cyber Security. It's something that I am interested in. It would sort of teach me how to be a computer CSI or something of that sort. Basically it would be a lot of skills that I am interested in learning.

If I did that I would have to apply, first of all. Then I would have to move to Indy where the campus is that has the degree. That wouldn't be so bad. It would be closer to home, and still close to here. It would be another 4 years.

What am I thinking?

I may or may not do this. I would like to do this. Just like I would like to get into shape. It's possible. Do I have the motivation? Do I have the will to do this? Can I really follow through? I have been a disappointment to myself in following through with things over the last few years. My freshman year, I felt that I was someone who could be counted on, who kept promises, etc.... Lately, I really do not feel like that is the case so much. I want to get back to that level of reliability, and ditch the apathy that has been so prevalent.

I was looking at the Indiana State Police website at their physical requirements. They have the goals, and they have some ways that you can train to reach them. I am going to follow their training for running. I just have to actually get out and do it. Is it really that hard? I will have time the rest of the summer to do things in the mornings most days. All except Sunday and Monday. All other days the earliest I have to be somewhere is at noon on Wednesday and 10am on Saturday. Is that too much to ask? That I rise early enough in the morning to get some exercise in? Can I be that determined?

I want to do this because I do not like the current physical shape that my body is in. It also would help my mood, sleep, and energy level in general. So why not?

In the words of Master Yoda, "Do or do not. There is no try."

late night ramblings

I can't sleep. I've got too many things going on in my head.

Part of why i'm frustrated has to do with being expected as a "leader" to respond a certain way to people, and yet not seeing the more advanced leaders doing the same thing. I guess the thing a good leader of any "level" would do is respond how they should respond, whether anyone else is responding how they should or not. It's just frustrating when what you're told to do is not being modeled by your superiors. It makes me wonder why i have to be so much more of a leader. If they cannot act appropriately how do they expect someone with much less experience to act appropriately. I did not even know that we had gotten into that much of a "verbal battle". I was just upset and crying. Apparently that was disrespectful. Sorry if i'm an emotional person.

My messy room... maybe i should be able to take better care of that by now. Maybe the habits are just far too ingrained in me. It doesn't mean that i can't stand for people to see my room. I don't like it to be messy. I don't plan for it to be that way. Maybe i just don't know how to get it all organized. That's not exactly one of my strong points. I'm a very random person. I get sidetracked easily. Just like how everyone can apparently multitask. It doesn't matter how many times i assure you that i can't multi-task, i'm never believed. I am supposed to be able to concentrate on 100 different things at one time. Sorry, but i do things in a linear fashion. It's all or nothing. If i do too many things at once, nothing gets done. My boss doesn't understand that. I have to work on my multi-tasking skills. I'm not productive if i multi-task. I never finish anything if i do more than one project at a time. It just doesn't happen. I have finished wood carvings because i got on a kick and just did it. I kept on going and didn't let anything stop me. I've done drawings by devoting hours to getting them finished. I would not even get a meal if i wasn't done with my drawing. I've forgotten in recent years how to be devoted to something and finish things.

I used to could sort of organize things. Things always had a place, anyway. Then i didn't care anymore. When we had to move when i was 14 i put all my stuff in boxes and it's all been there since. I never really unpacked. I've been a nomad ever since, practically. Never really calling anyplace home. Since coming to college, i really have become a nomad. Living far from home. Not really having a permanent address. Never having my own place for my own stuff. It's really easy for me to get careless with it.

Does that mean i should be reamed out for it just because one of my superiors for the summer has extreme perfectionist tendencies?

Is it wrong to want to get something out of someone using your status as a college student to get a discount on something, and on top of that getting another thing for free with the deal? Maybe i'm just being selfish... maybe i just feel used...

Maybe i'm just too emotionally backed up and i need to let it out... and everything is becoming the straw that breaks the camels' back at the moment... i really need to unload things a lot sooner than the back breaking moments when everything seems to fall too heavily on me....

"MMMBop"

Oh oh oh oh oh
Yeah

You have so many relationships in this life
Only one or two will last
You go through all the pain and strife
Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast
Oh yeah
And they're gone so fast, yeah
Oh
So hold on the ones who really care
In the end they'll be the only ones there
And when you get old and start losing your hair
Tell me who will still care
Can you tell me who will still care?
Oh care

Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du
Yeah
Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du
Yeah

Oh yeah
In an Mmmbop they're gone
Yeah yeah

Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose
You can plant any one of those
Keep planting to find out which one grows
It's a secret no one knows
It's a secret no one knows
Oh, no one knows

Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du, yeah
Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du, yeah

Oh
Yeah oh

In an mmm bop they're gone
Oh yeah oh
In an mmmbop they're gone
In an mmm bop they're not there
In an mmmbop they're gone
In an mmm bop they're not there
In an mmmbop they're gone
In an mmmbop they're not there
In an mmmbop they're gone
In an mmmbop they're not there
Until you lose your hair
Oh
But you don't care

Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du, yeah
Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du, yeah

Yeah
Oh yeah oh oh
So hold on the ones who really care
In the end they'll be the only ones there
And hen you get old and start losing your hair
Tell me who will still care
Can you tell me who will still care?
Oh care

Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du, yeah
Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du, care

Can you tell me? oh
No you can't 'cause you don't know
Can you tell me? oh
You say you can but you don't know
Can you tell me? oh
(Which flower's going to grow?)
No you can't 'cause you don't know
Can you tell me? oh
(If it's going to be a daisy or a rose?)
You say you can but you don't know
Can you tell me? oh
(which flower's going to grow?)
No you can't 'cause you don't know
Can you tell me? oh
You say you can but you don't know
Oh yeah
You say you can but you don't know
You dont know
You dont know, oh

Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du, yeah
Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du, care

Oh
Can u tell me? oh
No you can't 'cause you don't know
Can u tell me? oh
You say you can but you don't know
Can u tell me? oh
No you can't 'cause you don't know
Can u tell me?
You say you can but you don't know

(c) Hanson

I have to move, yet again. This time just one door down into a smaller apartment that I will have to myself for July, but will regain my current roomie in August for the three weeks or so that we will have before school starts again.

I was told today that the current state of my room (slightly more messy than even I would prefer it be) was "unacceptable". Never mind that I really haven't been around the apartment that often, except to run in and out and maybe sleep there, which I have not been doing the last couple of nights, and will not be until Saturday, which will be in the other apartment because I have to move by Thursday or Friday. Blah. Even so, I was apparently just "making excuses" for the messy state of my room. That state would not stand in the house of the person who checked the rooms today. I really wanted to tell her that I was not living in her house, and whatever she has her boys or her house guests do, she is not my mother either. Instead I just stood there crying like an idiot because I felt about an inch tall by that time, whether she meant for that or not. It did not matter that it "wasn't personal", it sure felt like it. Then she mentioned that when a person's car is messy that it usually means there's a lot of stress or whatever in their life... basically their life is messed up too... by the time she mentioned that I was basically wondering if she was referring to my car, which if I had the place to put my things at the church, would not be as full as it is still. I asked for a place to put my bike, but none was found. I suggested the YM office, but that was apparently not an option. Thus is is still residing in my back seat. Lovely. Sure I may need to clean my stuff up a bit, but maybe I would prefer to have some space to put my things before someone goes and rails on me for everything not being put away.

Other than that, well... I'd really like to finish the rest of my dinner right now, but I am in the lab. And I should run to the store or something before I go back to the apartment, before I go back to Cindi's house where I'm house sitting. I just hope that I get a paycheck soon...

I've been chosen to take point on planning a pool party for the youth group while Casey is on vacation next week. I knew this a few weeks ago. I forgot it in the midst of planning for this last week or so. We missed the announcement tonight... i don't know who's job it was to remember, but none of us did. Nice. That will be fun. I don't plan on getting in the water next week. I also have no idea what i'm going to wear for it. The shorts and stuff i have don't fit anymore. Blah.

I'm seriously working on that... the fitting into clothes thing... I just need to get a sort of schedule or plan or whatever set down so i can have something to follow. I also need to go grocery shopping for something that isn't filled with carbs and calories. If my Dad can do it, then i can... right? My brother has also done a weight loss thing before and is still sticking to a diet and exercise now. I feel like i just don't have the motivation of the rest of my family sometimes... Like right now i'm motivated, i just haven't really done anything about it...

Tomorrow we (youth min people's) are being taken out to dinner as a congratulations sort of thing for getting through this last week and having been a big part of making sure it got pulled off. So we're going out for some good food and conversation.

Today has been long-ish. Work here at the church, which included youth group this evening. I'm tired. I'm still trying to get over the last week. Spending 5 solid days with teenagers is draining...

It has been a while since I last posted. In that time I have been to my parent's house, hung out with them, my older sisters, my brother, and my nieces. I helped out with my parent's 50th anniversary party. We had close to 40 people there. It was a nice week.

When I came back north I found out on the way there that two of my roommates had moved out the previous night. Lovely. We had a big youth event coming up, and they up and leave. I got to the church and my head was already spinning. There was so much to do, and I had so much going through my head. I was not ready to spend time with the youth, but I really had no choice. I was already homesick the minute I arrived in the church parking lot. I did not want to be around people. And I wanted to ream out the two roomies that had left, but they were not around and I didn't want to call them. Although now I think it is best that they have left.

The event came and went. It was exhausting. The last night was insane. All the kids were up and doing stuff late into the night, and they decided they wanted to be stubborn about it, also. One left at 2am. The guys room was all up until 3am. I think I had about 5 hours of sleep each night... by yesterday I was about to fall asleep standing up. I didn't go to bed until around 11pm though. I watched "8 Mile" on TV. It is the movie that the rapper Eminem is in. It was a pretty good movie, but had a lot of language, which was mostly deleted for the TV edit, and a scene or two that was, thankfully, severely edited. It was a very interesting movie, though.

I am hopefully going to take some time out tomorrow to possibly move rooms in the apartment, since the one bedroom with a window is now empty. I will also probably just get away from the church for a while and go to a Starbucks or something so I can read a book, and journal... which I have been unable to do for lack of time for at least a week and a half now.

a poem for the misunderstood

if you took some time to listen
maybe then you'd understand
what you have been missin'
about who i really am

you're so quick to judge me
you're not easily pleased
every time i try
you got me cryin' on my knees

i'm not tryin'a be like this
disrespectful and all
it just don't seem right
to be the only one to fall

you don't know my issues
not like you really care
maybe you been through a lot
but you haven't been there

i keep my thoughts to me
unless i think i can speak
but you keep talking... asking questions
then you make me feel weak

humiliation breeds anger
at least it does for me
and the stress that i speak of
comes from anxiety

you want me to do things
but it's never done right
and how i respond
well, it's fight or flight

it's like i've been cornered
and i can't get free
but you don't notice
how it really affects me

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