Wednesday, June 25, 2008

late night ramblings

I can't sleep. I've got too many things going on in my head.

Part of why i'm frustrated has to do with being expected as a "leader" to respond a certain way to people, and yet not seeing the more advanced leaders doing the same thing. I guess the thing a good leader of any "level" would do is respond how they should respond, whether anyone else is responding how they should or not. It's just frustrating when what you're told to do is not being modeled by your superiors. It makes me wonder why i have to be so much more of a leader. If they cannot act appropriately how do they expect someone with much less experience to act appropriately. I did not even know that we had gotten into that much of a "verbal battle". I was just upset and crying. Apparently that was disrespectful. Sorry if i'm an emotional person.

My messy room... maybe i should be able to take better care of that by now. Maybe the habits are just far too ingrained in me. It doesn't mean that i can't stand for people to see my room. I don't like it to be messy. I don't plan for it to be that way. Maybe i just don't know how to get it all organized. That's not exactly one of my strong points. I'm a very random person. I get sidetracked easily. Just like how everyone can apparently multitask. It doesn't matter how many times i assure you that i can't multi-task, i'm never believed. I am supposed to be able to concentrate on 100 different things at one time. Sorry, but i do things in a linear fashion. It's all or nothing. If i do too many things at once, nothing gets done. My boss doesn't understand that. I have to work on my multi-tasking skills. I'm not productive if i multi-task. I never finish anything if i do more than one project at a time. It just doesn't happen. I have finished wood carvings because i got on a kick and just did it. I kept on going and didn't let anything stop me. I've done drawings by devoting hours to getting them finished. I would not even get a meal if i wasn't done with my drawing. I've forgotten in recent years how to be devoted to something and finish things.

I used to could sort of organize things. Things always had a place, anyway. Then i didn't care anymore. When we had to move when i was 14 i put all my stuff in boxes and it's all been there since. I never really unpacked. I've been a nomad ever since, practically. Never really calling anyplace home. Since coming to college, i really have become a nomad. Living far from home. Not really having a permanent address. Never having my own place for my own stuff. It's really easy for me to get careless with it.

Does that mean i should be reamed out for it just because one of my superiors for the summer has extreme perfectionist tendencies?

Is it wrong to want to get something out of someone using your status as a college student to get a discount on something, and on top of that getting another thing for free with the deal? Maybe i'm just being selfish... maybe i just feel used...

Maybe i'm just too emotionally backed up and i need to let it out... and everything is becoming the straw that breaks the camels' back at the moment... i really need to unload things a lot sooner than the back breaking moments when everything seems to fall too heavily on me....

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