Monday, July 28, 2008

Learning to Trust

It seems these days that I am learning a lot.

A couple weeks ago during the Press I learned how to, sort of, navigate a raft down a river... backwards for most of the time, and slightly off course.

I also learned how to tie the proper knots to keep a climber in their harness... particularly myself and the person belaying or being belayed. (belaying is the term for the person on the ground controlling the tension on the climber's rope so if/when they fall they don't fall too far, and don't go down too fast upon descent). Climb On!

I learned this last Wednesday how to sorta control my body in water... as I tried to wade around in the shallow end of a pool. My fears are becoming less as I get more acquainted with deeper water.

This last weekend I slowly warmed up to the water, and was trying to get my body used to the different feel of the water coming up and splashing on me, and over my head sometimes, and up against my body. Part of it was muscle memory. Part of it was just staying calm. Part of it was just trusting what I knew: that my friends would not let me drown; that I really could learn to swim and get used to the water; that I had it in me to learn, and do the right things in the water to keep from panicking, to keep my head up, to breathe at the right times, to move in the right ways to keep afloat.

A lot of what I have learned has to do with trust.
Trusting that the raft would not flip. Or that I would not drown if I fell out.
Trusting that the knots would hold. Trusting that the person belaying me could hold me.
Trusting the words of those instructing me what to do once I got in the water.
Trusting the people around me to not let me get in a situation where I would be in danger.

Trusting God with things that I cannot control.
Trusting Him... because He is good. Because He is far more trustworthy than anything else I have learned to put my trust in these recent weeks.

Psalm 36:5
"Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies."

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


I'm at work. I'm slightly bored.

I really do not have any deep thoughts, or amazing spiritual comments to write at this moment.

What I have right now is more of a lament. I seem to be falling back onto old battle fields. Ones I thought I had crossed. But here I am again, back in the same old stuff as usual. I have recently been way over emotional about every little thing. And yet, I seem to hear God telling me that He just wants me to seek Him.

I'm a little thick headed at times.... which is basically all the time...

I don't take direction well.

I don't take correction well.

I don't take change well.

I have too much stuff that I don't know what to do with, and can't seem to bring myself to get rid of. I am too sentimental... even if an item isn't mine I can be sentimental about it.

I keep thinking that I should be beyond these battles that I have been facing. The same old lies from the enemy. Pride... that seems to be a never ending battle. Even when it comes down to spending time with Him, I just have not been with it the last couple months or so. And I don't like it....

I am discontent. With myself, for slacking, for being fairly lazy (even though I would not usually admit that), for letting myself fall back into this dark rut of depression once more... but it is only a season, that will hopefully soon pass...

I am discontent: with how I handle my finances, my important papers/documents, my homework (although I have not had homework since April... but I will again soon enough), my time, my friendships, my relationships in general.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

We talked about priorities at church today. It makes me wonder... what are my priorities?

God. My family. Friends. Learning. Work. Other people. Serving.

So where do my priorities for getting fit, losing weight, getting things organized, doing my homework on time, not spending my money on silly things, come in at?

Friday, July 18, 2008

catch up

It's been a while since I last posted. It's been an interesting time for sure.

The last week we had "The Press". We had the kids, and us leaders, going rafting, climbing rock walls, going to the zoo with a bunch of people from a group home, watched "The Count of Monte Cristo", and put together a 500 piece puzzle.

I think I have been realizing some things I need to change in my life. Although right now my life seems to be full of changes.

I am resisting the feeling of loneliness that is pressing in on the edges right now.

I need to spend some more time with Jesus.

I need to spend some more time with my family.

I need to spend some more time with my friends.

I need to get organized. However slowly, but surely. I just need to gain the skills.

I need to humble myself before God.

I need to get rid of my pride. It's tripping me up a lot lately.

I need to change my attitude... to a better one... not to a nonexistent one.

I need to get a handle on a lot of things right now... although I am pretty sure that even if I did I would not be able to lift them all at once.

I need to take my car into the shop.

I need to learn... a lot more... about a lot of things.

I need to put the things I have learned in to action... if I can find them in the dusty corners of my mind.

I need to take time to revitalize... my heart, my soul, my mind... instead of going constantly doing things, or just by doing pointless things...

I need to be still.

I need the prayers of my friends... for both myself and for my family... especially for my Dad, who is having some tests done soon to see if a spot on his kidney is cancer or not.

I need to refocus on God.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Some days i just want to quit this thing.

I got a 20 minutes lecture from C. today about how i need to get the room cleaned up because it wasn't fit to live in, and K. wouldn't have any place for her stuff if i kept all my stuff in here.

I finally got some of my stuff in storage. Just gotta organize the rest now. Which hopefully won't be too hard.

Why did i get so stinking emotional when i was talking about the stuff?

I sent him an e-mail and tried to explain where i was coming from... and why i was so emotional... i don't know if he's read it yet or not.... i can never seem to talk well over the phone or in person when i'm an emotional wreck....

I'm just tired of getting lectured about stuff, and having everything be my fault, and being told i'm so disrespectful and whatnot.

I'm not, am i?

Monday, July 7, 2008

I need time with Jesus. I need time with people.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Why is it that spending days by myself gets me completely out of whack?

Why is it that if i don't like the way that all my stuff is laying around the room that i can't figure out some place for it to go?

Why is it that i can have the desire to do something, but can never seem to get it done?