Sometimes I wonder what people think of me. This is an ongoing struggle. I should be affirmed in the truth of who I am in Christ. And yet, I still get discouraged when I come into a very crowded class, and know some of the people, and yet there's still an empty seat next to me, while everyone else has someone to sit by.

Today we had the first Chapel of the semester. It was very different without my friends I usually sit with being there. So many adjustments this semester. There was a group of some upperclassmen and some freshmen who sat by me because of the place being so crowded today. It was good. Slightly awkward just coz of not knowing anyone, but alright. Dr. Cramer spoke today, as is tradition. I enjoy when he speaks. He didn't sing this year, though. He did mention the one song that he and his wife sing, that quotes the verse that says "He who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it". He started his message with a couple of verses from Isaiah...

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland."

~Isaiah 43: 18-19

Dr. Cramer also spoke of relationships and community. The theme of the Chapel schedule is a coffee shop, because it is about more than coffee... It is about relationship, community, the experience, the conversation. I felt a bit sad yesterday as he kept going. I was thinking, "That's all well and good, but what if those who you have close relationships with, and those deep conversations with are too far away to enjoy a cup of coffee with? What then?". One thing is for sure, I cherish the times I have had with my friends. I have to keep in touch with my friends I have fellowshipped with for years, but I have to live where I'm at right now, too. My current situation at the coffee shop has been mostly studying by myself. Not too much community it seems. Or maybe I'm just not friendly enough with people or something. I don't know.

Anyway... I'm still wondering what this new thing is that God is doing. I can't "forget" certain past things. There are some past things, and there are some continuing things. The continuing relationships will not be forgotten. The past struggles, some of them I need to move beyond. To keep on going. To live in His truth, to TRUST Him.

Trusting has been a major topic lately. For provision, for healing, for joy, for His presence, His voice, His guidance.

My friend Ashley prayed for me yesterday and reminded me to trust Him for these things, and others.

I am longing to be refreshed by Him... to get back out in the middle of the dance floor...

Alone?

I went to the Back to School Party this evening after work. I felt incredibly alone. At least for a little while. It was so odd going without my close friends by my side. I walked around just feeling awkward for a while. Then saw some acquaintances and met a couple of new people. It was just really different.

I really need some God time. I hope i can get some time this weekend. I need it. Desperately.

Tomorrow will be interesting. The first day of school. I haven't had the time or the money to go shopping for new clothes or anything. Not even books. Still haven't got those. I will, hopefully tomorrow, as i have homework for Tuesday already. I am also picking up a copy of Office 07 tomorrow. I've been aiming to get it for a while, and haven't had the time to just go get it. Crazy what happens when you start working 10 hours a day or more.

I'm getting to know my roomies some. The third one finally moved in. We have a dorm meeting tomorrow night... well, perimeter houses meeting. So it'll be good to get to know who all is in the "outhouses".

The back of my head on the right side currently feels like someone is brushing a searing hot feather across it... That's the only way i can describe the weird feeling right now. It has me twitching every once in a while just coz of it being in a really bothersome spot. I woke up this morning to turn over and as i lay in bed i could not get back to sleep because it started to hurt/itch/whatever that feeling is described as. I felt like crying this morning. I kind of feel like crying now. The work day is going by so slowly, coz i'm in the office all day, i'm trying not to scratch my head, and i really can't scratch my head, coz that's not going to help matters any. It's the nerves that are being bothered, my skin only barely with the bumps from it. But it's the deeper nerves there being bothered. I can't do anything about it, but take my anti-viral medication.

This is driving me nuts.....

Thanks for the prayers.

Just an update...

Well, I did go to the nurse today about the swollen lymph nodes in my neck and the rash behind my ear. She sent me over to the doctor, which meant calling off work for the afternoon. She wanted me to get the rash checked out. So I went over to the doc and one of the residents working with him checked me out to begin with. Then he gave the doc a recap of everything when he came in. The doc took a look and finally came to the conclusion that it might be shingles... Lovely. I'm not that old, or that stressed, so i'm not quite sure why this has surfaced. I say surfaced, because it comes from the chickenpox virus, but isn't the same thing. But once you've had chickenpox and if the virus reactivates it comes out as shingles. So.... I'm on some medication for it for a week... 5 pills a day for a week. Lovely. But hopefully it makes the itching and pain go away for the most part. Also got some hydrocortisone cream to keep the itch from getting too bad.

Ugh

My head hurts. It's foggy. I can't even think or talk straight right now. I did not quite realize that I would be working all day the first half of this week. Tomorrow is uppers move in, so i'm going to be out helping people get online who will more than likely be more confused than the freshmen, since these are returning students coming in tomorrow. Possibly will be getting our other roommate tomorrow, too.

I've been getting enough sleep lately it seems, almost too much, but right now I'm just feeling icky. I'm going to try going a few days without soda and try to lay off the majority of junk food i've been eating lately. I need to get milk. I've been without milk for a few days now. I've been addicted to it lately.

Sunday morning I woke up with a really bad headache. It lasted most of the day. It came back in the evening just as I was getting ready to go to bed, too. I also noticed that most of the lymph nodes in my neck are all swollen and tender. Ugh. I just hope my head doesn't get all clogged up or anything for the first week of school. I think tonight is going to be a NyQuil night...

Tomorrow I have to be up early and at work at 8:45am to help the people moving in get online. It's gonna be a long week.

Another MMMBOP moment...

Campus is slowly getting more full. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Right now I feel like my social skills for groups of college students is at an all time low. Sorta like my freshman year when I came in not knowing anyone. Although there are a handful of people around campus that I am acquainted with. None as close as all of those who already are or will soon be miles away.

The RA's are already here. The Freshmen come in tomorrow. I am going to be helping with Computer Services to get the freshmen online and whatnot. The morning will be consumed with helping them pack things in. The afternoon will probably be more along the lines of what I'm actually there to do. But I guess what I'm there to do is to be a good example of a student worker at Bethel... or something cheesy like that.

It looks like the forecast is calling for chances of rain tomorrow. It rained last year. I helped people carry stuff in during a downpour. I was wet the rest of the day. The air was so humid. Drying out was virtually impossible until I returned to my apartment in the evening. Even then it was difficult.

I also have another going away party to go to tomorrow evening, as soon as I leave work. It's hard saying so many goodbye's. I just saw Sara for the last time for a while today. She stopped by before meeting with a co-worker. She had some things to print, so I got that done in the computer lab, and we hung out while waiting for her documents to print. It definitely took a while.

One thing I am glad of with the recent "goodbye's": They are not final. I've had some pretty finalized relationships since close to the end of last semester. Maybe it's one of those "agree to disagree" types of things... although not.... I'm not sure. These instances left me feeling like the time that I had invested was all for naught. They were kind of like an earthquake... Seemingly coming out of nowhere, but obviously there was something in the foundation that wasn't quite all together... so even though it wasn't seen, it was still felt. What caused the cracks in the foundation is uncertain. Maybe I didn't read the landscape properly. Maybe the land had fissures before it was settled upon. I'm not sure. But each instance was just as interesting as being woken up at 5:40am, shaken by some unseen force. It's not something I can really be angry about. Frustrated, maybe. Mostly because I wonder why. But the way I figure it, there are some ties that just come undone. Mmmbop. "Hold on to the one's who really care, coz in the end they'll be the only one's there."

Enough of my ramblings for now. Those are just some thoughts that have been deep on my mind lately and needed to be released. I don't feel like being specific about the instances I am speaking of, although some of you who read this could probably guess at least one.

I need some Jesus time. Just me and Him. Maybe Sunday afternoon would be good for that. I will have a busy week Monday with tech training, returning student move in, and classes starting.

Oh boy, here we go again.

So... I'm really thinking about making this my blogging home from now on... Dunno what I will do with my Xanga, but I like this site, and just about everyone I know has one now so this is where I spend most of my time reading everyone's updates.

Classes start next Thursday. I'm sort of ready and sort of not. This weekend I am working as a tech again, (finally!) for the Freshman move in. Then next Tuesday I am again working as a Tech for the returning student move in. After being a lab assistant for the summer I am feeling a bit rusty on my tech skills... and also feeling slightly out of the tech loop, as the techs for the summer have worked with each other through the days this summer, and I am there in the evenings when everyone is leaving or has already left. I can't wait to have my tech rights back and be able to actually work on computers, and be back in the loop of what we're doing and stuff. We have a training session on Monday.

Last night I found out there were glowing stars on my ceiling in my room. It figures that I found them last night and not any other night... I was extremely tired. We had a picnic at the church yesterday evening, and after that some of us girls got together for a goodbye gathering for Sara. We had a good time talking and laughing and just having random conversations. By the time I got home it was 11pm. I don't stay up late much these days.

I go in to work at 4 this evening... So, until then I need to find something somewhat productive to do.

One observation from JK for the summer during our leadership meetings: You are very emotional and you show it. Your friends can read you easily. That can be a good thing and a bad thing.

Hmmm... I definitely was emotional last night.

I'm just wondering what God is up to... Holly asked me if i thought it was a coincidence that most of the people i am really close to are all leaving around the same time. I replied that I don't believe in coincidence. Everything happens for a purpose.

So.... God... What's Your purpose in all this? I'm just gonna have to wait it out, aren't I? And trust You... yeah... that's what I thought...

soreness, deer, music... (can you tell i'm tired?)

I have moved my stuff in to my new residence for the next four months. I am going to be getting settled in for the next couple of weeks or so. It's going to take a bit to get settled in.

As i was unloading my car i heard a noise in the trees beside the house, just across from where i was parked. There, standing in the middle of the trees, was a young deer. I could not tell whether it was a male or female. It was just young and spotted. It stood there, staring at me with big eyes, watching as i went to and from the house, getting stuff from my car and packing it in to the house. It finally sat down in the middle of a pile of leaves, and just gazed off, watching something else. I had gone inside and got some carrots out of the fridge that i've had for a bit. I thought maybe the deer might eat them. We'll see. I might check later on. It didn't make a move for them when i went to put them near it. I don't know where it lives, or where its mother is. I just can't believe the poor thing is living in the middle of the city :(

Currently, my whole body is aching from packing a bunch of stuff down the stairs this morning, and yesterday... and having to go back up the stairs each time to get another load! My hips hurt like crazy from lifting things and going up and down the stairs. I just can't wait to get back to the room tonight, find my bedding so i can make my bed and go to sleep. I still work tomorrow during the day. No Pulse Fest for me tomorrow. I thought about it, but never asked off. Oh well. Not too many people i want to see anyway. Casting Crowns would be nice to see live, but i don't think i could take seeing Toby Mac. I like some of his music. His new song is cool. Some of his songs just annoy me.

At least we cleaned the apartment today, before leaving, so i won't have to run over there after work tomorrow. That will be good. I can just focus on getting some more of my things organized before my roommate comes on Sunday.

For now i am sitting here in the lab just trying to stay awake. All i want to do right now is take off my shoes and chill. I really need to shower too... that would feel amazing... We have a tub in our house... it's kind of small though, or i might just try to find my epsom salt and soak for a while to get rid of some of the soreness in my muscles.... I'm just glad that my bedroom has a window a/c unit... :) cold nights where i can bundle up! Yay! :)

The conversation with C this afternoon has got me wondering... not like i wasn't already... but is youth ministry where i'm supposed to be?

What am i doing with my life?

I'm feeling stuck...

I am currently sitting in my apartment at the church, which is quite chilly at the moment. I am already in my pj's and am thinking about going to bed soon. I feel like I have been sleeping too much lately. Maybe my body is just trying to catch up for the school year. I need some discipline in my life. With my sleep schedule, eating habits, studying habits, exercising schedule, and most especially my God time...

This whole summer I have not really had a day to myself to go spend with God and just not have any responsibilities. I've been working most of the week, and when i'm not working on campus i'm doing stuff here at the church. On Monday's I do stuff at the church and on campus. I've not had a "Sabbath" since... well, I can't really remember.

Today, though, I was informed of a scheduled power outage of the building that I work in on campus. Who knows why... probably to upgrade some electric lines in it or something. But that means that I am not going in to work tomorrow!!!! :) I have the day off. I'm going to spend some time outside of the apartment... maybe hang out at a coffee shop or something... spend most of the day with analog technology, i.e. a book or two and pen and paper, instead of digital technology, i.e. my computer.

I was just thinking yesterday about how I had not gotten a day off for a while, and now I have one! Praise God! :)

I'm sure there's deeper thoughts in my head somewhere, but this is really all I have for now. I have not taken enough time away from everything to meditate on God and His Word and all... so I'm pretty excited.

My parents and my brother and his fiance are all getting together this weekend for a cookout in celebration of my brother and my Dad's b-days this coming week. I wish that I could be home for that.

I'm just sitting here thinking, listening to music, looking at pics on Flickr, and wishing it was already bedtime.

I went to the mall today after church coz i got bored with sitting here in the church by myself and not doing anything but sitting here on the internet pretty much doing nothing. I ended up buying a toy from a video game, coz i had seen it last week, and the pics of toys doing random things had sort of inspired me to try something new with my camera... And it is sort of serving as some motivation to think up things for the toy to "do" and take pics of it, if i can't think of something interesting from real life to take a picture of for my 365 thing.

My sunburn from last weekend is starting to not hurt quite as bad. It has been red, dry, peeling and sort of scabbing over some this past week. And it hurt like crazy. I couldn't even move my arms like normal this whole week coz my skin across the upper part of my chest was so dry that any kind of movement had me gasping in pain. If i learn one thing from an experience i am usually bound to forget something else... last year my feet got burnt so bad i couldn't wear shoes for almost a week... so i put sunscreen on my feet this year... i failed to reapply the sunscreen to basically any of my skin showing from the top of my swimsuit. My arms didn't get burnt too bad at all because they are mostly tanned from the rest of the summer prior to last weekend. Oh the joys of being part Irish...

Today was Amy's last Sunday at church before she goes to China. Tomorrow is her going away party, which i will only be able to catch the tail end of because of work.

Anyway... i really do wish it was bedtime. I'm bored out of my mind right now and i really have nothing to do....