I'm frustrated. That's the end of my thought for tonight. I'm just plain frustrated. Many things have gone into this frustration that I would rather not expound upon here. Blargh....

If this is the season of peace and love and celebrating the birth of our Savior, why can't we get over ourselves and ourselves and the bickering with each other and spend the holiday as a family? So much for spending time as a family, bringing sibs together and all that jazz. So much for peace. All I have to say is "Bah humbug!"

Hmm.. I'm still not sure what this point system thing on here is. Oh well. I'm heading out tomorrow morning. I have to trek my bike all the way across campus to put it in storage since my RD wasn't nice enough to allow it to stay somewhere in this building, since the building doesn't have anything that is designated as "student storage". Sorry, but I think that is just bs. Sometimes I just get the feeling she doesn't like me in the least. And I'm not sure why.

Anyway... I'm going to bed now. I've packed up some stuff to add to the already large load in my car (just a warning Mom & Dad!) but some of this stuff is actually coming back with me. I just want to bring it for the sake of having fun. I just am praying that the highways are in better shape than this campus! The place was an ice rink all day... a slushy one, but still decently slick. I think if it's going to be plowed they could at least plow it properly... all the way down to something that can give you a bit of friction... but no... instead we get an inch of the icy pellet slush left on the sidewalks only to freeze in the evening and make coming back to my dorm an adventure in itself. So.... yeah... I have the Nintendo, the Zappers, and the Power Glove with me to take home for break... along with a few other geeky items... I'm finding myself becoming more and more geeky lately... or maybe just expressing it more... I don't know...

Alright, I'm finally going to bed! This is the second night in a row that I haven't felt so awesome when it's gotten to evening... tonight I've felt kind of dizzy... I don't think the lack of nutrition in todays food helped... End of the semester Sodexho is just plain weird... OK... off to sleep and charge my phone...

Working on my paper that is due today. I also have a final in Disciple Making Structures this afternoon, and a group presentation in OT Book. Lovely. At least all I have to do for the presentation is make my Power Point actually start immediately after I hit play on the music that is to go along with it. I blame it on the .wav file extension.

For now, I'm going to work for an hour, and then working on my paper for an hour before class, going to class to listen to the presentations there, then lunch, then working on my paper for another hour-ish, and then going to class to take the final, and then the other class for the presentation.

And tonight, I start my term paper.

Oh procrastination, how I hate you....

Merry Christmas Domo

Merry Christmas
Originally uploaded by Dustin Diaz

Awesome pic of Domo in a Christmas outfit... Yes, I think I like this little guy way too much, but he's just so cute! Maybe you don't see it. He's the awkwardly cute Japanese television mascot.

I am very frustrated right now. Mostly with myself and my lack of ability to focus on getting this very long paper written. I don't know what I'm doing, or in what order I'm doing it. I'm supposed to have a Lit. Review. Do I know what that is? Sort of, but not really. I'm probably making this whole process a lot harder than it has to be. This is the last week. This is all the chance I've got to get this thing out and put down on paper and get it done. For everything from this semester. Every project that I have to get done. That and I have another project I should have done tomorrow, but don't have done yet, coz I've been focusing on this paper that I haven't really focused on as much as I should have this semester. And I'm still having trouble focusing on it.

Where do I go in a paper on the effects of social networking on teenagers and their relationships in their offline life?

Way too much caffeine consumed this evening... yes, evening. Not a good idea. Thus it is almost 1am and I have to get up at 7:30am and I am still awake. Why???? I don't think sometimes...

On the note of not thinking, my roommate came to me this evening, after having dropped her cell phone in the tub, to see if I could get the back off her phone, coz it would not come off now, and every other time it would come off immediately upon landing. Well, I tried opening it with a screwdriver but that wouldn't fit. So I tried the knife on my utility tool. Well, it popped the back off the cell phone, and also ran across my thumb by my nail. Enough to draw a bit of blood, but that doesn't take much to make me light headed. It really wasn't any worse than what Missy (one of our cats at home) can do to me when I catch her at a really bad time and she claws me. But it was enough to make me wrap my thumb in toilet paper and lay down in bed with my feet up on the slats at the end of the bed and my hand up in the air for a few minutes.

Anyway... I have yet to make it through a decent portion of my term paper, and it's driving me nuts. But I feel like I have writer's block, which is not a good thing when it comes to something this large with such an impending deadline.

I think I updated on the housing news already.... right?

I don't have much else to say right now. I think the caffeine is finally starting to wear off some, so I'm going to go to bed here soon. I just can't believe that there's only two more weeks before going home for Christmas break! I am excited, but also nervous about all my final projects, since I have more of those than finnals...

Random Dell Laptop dreaming...

This is me being a geek, and looking on Dell's site at the specs of the computers and going through and seeing how I would build a computer. Since I don't have anything else to post on right now, I'm posting the specs of this "dream build", since I can't afford a new laptop until I get out of college and get a real job. Who knows when that will be. So, yeah.... here are the specs just for kicks. For some reason the price range on this one turned out a lot higher than it has when I have gone through the build process before, but the fact that Dell can't keep prices the same from week to week and always are adding new stuff, and in fact just added a lot of stuff to the process, it somehow turned out higher. That's even more than I would probably be willing to pay, even if I had the money for it. But for now, it's just a "dream build" and some thing I want in a computer once I can afford one.

Congratulations! Your system is ready to be built.

We have some recommendations for you highlighted in green below.

My Components
SYSTEM COLOR	Tuxedo Black	edit
PROCESSOR	Intel® Core™ 2 Duo Processor T8100 (2.1GHz/800Mhz FSB, 3MB Cache)	edit
OPERATING SYSTEM	Genuine Windows Vista® Home Premium Edition SP1, 64-bit	edit
LCD AND CAMERA	High Resolution, glossy widescreen 15.4 inch LCD(1440x900) & 2MP Camera	edit
MEMORY	4GB Shared Dual Channel DDR2 SDRAM at 667MHz (2 Dimms)	edit
HARD DRIVE	Size: 320GB 5400rpm SATA Hard Drive	edit
INTERNAL OPTICAL DRIVE	Slot Load DVD+/-RW (DVD/CD read/write)	edit
VIDEO CARD	128MB NVIDIA® GeForce® 8400M GS	edit
WIRELESS CARDS	Dell Wireless 1395 802.11g Mini Card	edit
BATTERY OPTIONS	56 WHr 6-cell Lithium Ion Primary Battery	edit
SOUND OPTIONS	High Definition Audio 2.0	edit
FINGERPRINT SCANNER	Finger Print Reader XPS M1530	edit
My Software & Accessories
INSPIRON MINI 9	Inspiron Mini 9	edit
INTEGRATED WEBCAM	No Camera Option	edit
DATASAFE ONLINE BACKUP	Receive an E-mail for your Dell Remote Access	edit
OPERATING SYSTEM	Ubuntu Linux version 8.04.1	edit
HARD DRIVE	32GB Solid State Drive	edit
BLUETOOTH OPTIONS	Built-in Bluetooth 2.1 capability	edit
WARRANTY AND SERVICE	1Yr Ltd Warranty and Mail-In Service	edit
MEMORY	1GB DDR2 at 533MHz	edit
SYSTEM COLOR	Obsidian Black	edit
ANTIVIRUS SOFTWARE	McAfee SecurityCenter with anti-virus, anti-spyware, firewall, 24-months	edit
PRODUCTIVITY SOFTWARE	No Microsoft Office	edit
DESIGNED FOR DELL BAGS	Swissgear Austin 15.4" Backpack Tangarine Orange	edit
DESIGNED FOR DELL MICE	Logitech V450 Nano Laser Cordless Mouse - Spring Green	edit
DESIGNED FOR DELL STORAGE	Plum Purple 250GB eGo II USB 2.0 Portable Hard Drive	edit
POWER & DOCKING	4-Port Hi-Speed USB 2.0 Pocket Hub & Travel Surge Protector Bundle	edit
My Service
WARRANTY AND SERVICE	2Yr Ltd Hardware Warranty, InHome Service after Remote Diagnosis	edit
DATASAFE ONLINE BACKUP	Dell Online Backup 2GB for 1 year	edit
ENVIRONMENTAL OPTIONS	Free Recycling Kit	edit
REMOTE ACCESS	Receive an E-mail for your Dell Remote Access	edit
ALSO INCLUDED WITH YOUR SYSTEM
BLUETOOTH AND WIRELESS USB	Dell Wireless 355 Bluetooth Internal (2.0+Enhanced Data Rate)
Dell Printer Driver	Windows Vista™ Premium
Software - Adobe	Adobe® Acrobat® Reader 9.0
Processor Branding	Intel Core 2 Duo Processor
Doms Camera and Color	High Resolution,Black glossy widescreen 15.4 inch LCD(1440x900)&2MP Cam
Miscellaneous	Thank you Your Member Discount has been applied
DIAL-UP INTERNET ACCESS	No ISP requested

I'm giving up for today and staying in my room. Falling on the ice on the sidewalk in front of the house was not too encouraging today. My roomie from last year, Lydia, was quite encouraging to me today. I will be rooming with our other roommate from last year, Lyndee, in the new dorm. My RD thinks I am a complete and utter slob... or at least that's the impression I get from her. That or a liar. I keep assuring her that I will take things home over Christmas break. She couldn't believe that I had only been home twice this semester. I thought she knew where I live and how long it takes to get there... I guess not. I don't know. I feel like everything is going badly right now... like anything I do gets so messed up. I just hope that I can make it out of this semester academically still alive.

So, aside from Bethel Housing Horrors....

Thanksgiving break was really good. The time at home was not long enough. Time with family was much needed. Thanksgiving day was fun. Some people got miffed at small things, but that's normal, and somewhat funny... Played the "You Might Be a Redneck..." game that my brother brought over... Apparently, he is quite the redneck... And I also was able to answer some of the questions correctly by first thinking about which of the answers my brother would actually do....

The drive back today was long and visually challenging at points. It started out just gray and cold. Once I got past Indy the fog was so thick that I could only see about a tenth of a mile... and I figured that since I was going 60mph, and when a sign would pop out of the fog I counted how long until I passed it... which was between 9-12 seconds or so... It wasn't as bad as when I went down last year and couldn't see past the hood of my car for the fog...

Oh, and I finally found my missing phone charger... still plugged in to the wall here at school...

I'm overwhelmed. I really don't want to be here these last three weeks. The housing situation has blown up. Bethel is frustrating me to no end. I can't find a strong enough word to express my frustration with them right now..... Ugh...

exhaustion

I am tired and sore right now from the weekend at the Youth Specialties conference in Nashville. I got to see a bunch of great music artists, some really good speakers, and met a ton of people at the booths, and enjoyed a few good sessions, mostly relating technology and youth ministry.

I was able to hang out with my sis Mary on Saturday evening, while skipping a graduate get together that my prof said did not measure up to the recent years' events. I also got to meet her boyfriend, who will fit in quite well with the family.

I felt slightly out of place this weekend with the Bethel group. However I got to hang out with some of the Bethel people that I have not had classes with before, and got to know them. I roomed with Kelli, who Brandt has known since she was little when he was in Colorado. I also hung out with her and some of the guys that I didn't know that well before.

One hard thing about this weekend was walking all over the place. Lately, I don't know why, but my legs have been hurting below my knees on the outer side down to my ankles when I walk a while. Even getting across campus lately has been pretty painful. I don't know if it's because I probably haven't been drinking enough water, or if it's just because I'm out of shape (although I usually don't have leg pain even though I've been out of shape for a while), or what. Maybe I just need more potassium and should just eat more bananas than I do... (most of my bananas I get from the Acorn go bad before I get to them.) Anyway... I was walking slow all weekend because of that and had to keep telling those that I was walking with to slow down and wait for me. It was funny because one of the speakers talked about his son walking slowly while he always walked fast, so his son created a club called "the slow club. Basically he was talking about slowing down to notice things. Then later he had on this shirt that said "I'm in the slow club". We joked that I needed one of those shirts. It was interesting last night when we were heading back to the hotel to get our stuff and load it on the bus. I was walking back behind and Geoff and David V. were back behind me, and I could hardly breathe from trying to keep up with everyone, and trying not to cry from my legs aching so bad. I ended up stopping for a minute while everyone up ahead turned around, but then Kelli and Dave Pepin were trying to get everyone to go at my pace. I finally got over to the hotel and got some of the guys to help me get all my stuff to the bus... believe me, after a YS convention, you have a lot more stuff to take home than you came with... I got three bags from there, a dozen t-shirts, and a lot of hand outs and DVD's and some books, some stickers, and a few buttons to put on my bag. I had Shane & Shane sign my bag.

Anyway... I'm not used to what happened last night... other people advocating for me for something as simple as slowing down to keep pace with me. I want to figure out why my legs keep hurting when I walk longer distances and find out what I can do to make them stop hurting.

This weekend was not as much refreshment as I had hoped, but it was still somewhat refreshing spiritually.

I am going to get some sleep. The burdens of homework are still hanging heavy over me. I still just want to be done with this semester with grades enough to pass and get to the next one.

I am in need of grace in so many ways...

Feeling like a failure. Almost literally. This is not good. I'm stressed. I can't focus. I need to focus. I need to get these things done. Too much stuff has been put off until the last minute. Or so it seems.

Small Group
Midweek revision
the graduate level paper for Senior Sem. that I haven't really started on because I am still looking for some good research for it...
Curriculums for Disciple Making Structures.

And then there's the YS trip this weekend that, right now, I'm not even sure I'm going to be able to go on, or if I really should go just for the amount of stuff that I have to be getting done.

I also am going home next week for Thanksgiving for about 4 days. There's only three weeks of school after that!

The end of the semester is coming up far too fast.

I guess that's what I get for procrastinating.

It's so hard to focus on anything right now. Reading, studying, writing papers... I just want them all to be over with and done. I am so ready to leave this place. But to go where afterwards? I don't know where I'm going to go when I graduate. Right now this campus is very lonely. Or it's just making me lonely. I'm really bad at making new friends, especially when most people I know already have their own groups of friends. I don't really fit in here anymore. On campus or even at my church. The college group just lost its leader, because he moved to a new church to do some pastoral work there. Which is a good thing for him. But the college group that I have been going to for the last three years has mostly graduated or moved away. These days I just get up and shower and go to regular service. I don't feel like getting up before 8am because I'm usually up until midnight or after trying to work on stuff or whatever. Being stressed mentally and emotionally doesn't help anything.

So, here I am, feeling like it's gonna be a crash & burn kind of landing...

The End Is Near, But Not Near Enough

I'm ready to get out of here.

I feel stuck...



Oh, senioritis....

The semester is getting stressful.

I didn't really want to crawl out of bed and get out in the icky cold and slushy weather today to go to church, but I did anyway. During worship at church one of the pastors came up and talked about fear, and how God wanted us to put off fear for His joy. It was good to go up front and have friends pray for me... and then stomp on the cloak of fear. Fear of this lack of finances, of not knowing what I'm going to do in a few months after I graduate. Fear is debilitating and keeps us from the JOY that God has for us.

Today was not a complete cure for the fears we face. It's an everyday thing, throwing off that cloak of fear (or any other bondage that the enemy would try to put us under). Today was an encouragement.

Raising Financial Support

OK, So I am supposed to be going to a Youth Specialties conference in Nashville, TN the weekend before Thanksgiving. I am trying to raise support through a sort of non-conventional method... the internet. This is for the experience, to gain knowledge of youth ministry stuff like programs, ideas for youth groups, etc. Hopefully I can find some seminars relating to technology and youth. Anyway, down below you will see a widget from a site called "Chip In". It is a place where you can donate money to my PayPal account and help me to reach my goal of $350 for the cost of the registration/hotel/food. This is a very discounted price compaired to what some other college students are having to pay for this trip! So if you know me, or you just stumble across my blog here, and feel like donating something towards this to support me on this trip, thank you!

The last week has been insane... busy, stressful, exhausting... mostly just because of classes and homework and just being generally tired lately. Today was Free Burrito Day at Chipotle. I worked this evening from 5pm-9pm so I went there after I got off work before they closed. I had some foil wrapped around my wrist as a bracelet to get my free burrito. It was yummy. I didn't eat all of it either. Those things are massive. I also got chips and a drink just because I didn't want to just go in and get a burrito and that be it. I wanted to provide them with some business at least. Tomorrow I am going to be at Notre Dame for most of the day filling in at a concession stand for one of my friends. It's an opportunity to be on campus during a home game, and to make some money... which is good since I have some bills to pay off. Alright... I think I'm going to bed soon... I'm beat...

It seems that my room is like by brain... all scattered and disorganzed with no clue where to put everything...

I need to get to cleaning my room so I can think.... The problem is I tend to not be in my room much, except to sleep... although there are probably times where I could not be on the computer and instead get my room organized. I have to before next week... we have health checks late next week.

This Saturday is the Saturday Seminar. I'll be spending all day in 342.

The end of the semester is coming up fast. I feel unprepared. And although going home was good for me last week, I feel slightly out of touch with what I need to get done now that there are almost less than seven weeks left in the semester. And I have a lot left to do.

I'm currently working on some homework that I need to get done. I want to try to go to bed early tonight.... I haven't worked out since before last week, and I need to get enough sleep so I can go. I've been lacking in sleep, and my eyes have been dry and bloodshot because of that. The air has also been getting cold and dry, which hasn't helped, especially when riding my bike around campus. It seems though that since going home and having come back, with actually starting to exercise and change some of my eating habits, and trying to only drink diet soda if i drink soda, I am noticing some change in my weight. That is very encouraging. Either that, or my jeans need washed coz they're stretched out from wearing them... I'm not sure which...

On to the homework...

Loans.

I need them to get through school.

I can't get them... for whatever reason...

I am being hounded by the college to get loans through.

I am going to try to go talk to the financial aid people tomorrow to figure out what i need to do.

And, I just applied for another loan and it went through, and I just have to wait for it to come in the mail to sign it and send it back.

Hopefully I still graduate in the spring...

It's been a long week. It's going to be a longer one... This next week I need to get some doctor bills paid, get my oil changed in my car, get the plates on my car renewed, write some stuff for what my paper for Disciple Making Structures is going to look like, formulate my resume for Senior Sem. in YM., get some of my stuff from storage to take home, do some other class work stuff that I can't recall right now... and... get it all done before I go home Thursday morning... or rather Wednesday evening, so I can have my car packed before I head out Thursday morning.... Oh, it's going to be an interesting week...

feeling defeated

You ever just feel like you can't get ahead no matter what?

fight

have faith

believe

be patient

wait

roll with the punches

keep trusting

i

think

i

will

just

go

sit

in

a

corner

and

cry

thank

you

very

much

......

Maybe I'm just being emotional for no reason... or i'm simply stressed... or just simply feeling like all kinds of blessing are just passing by and landing with other people... i'm not trying to hide behind a door... i'm sitting out here in the open... i probably couldn't even get struck by lightning standing in an open field if i tried knowing the way things go for me...

maybe the enemy is just getting to me... or i just need sleep.... i have a fairly long day ahead of me tomorrow... or today... service day... then writing a paper that i've been putting off.... my muscles all ache because of finally working out today, for the first time in what seems like forever... so, i'm going to bed to try and get some sleep...

Focus

I feel like I have none. Although the ability to transport to la-la-land for minutes at a time must be something on the lines of focus... even though it is not focusing on what should be focused on at that point...

I think I must have amazing focus... It is just misdirected on to useless or entertaining things.... (thank you media of the 80's, 90's and now...) instead of being focused on the more practical things. I need to learn to focus on the more practical things. And to focus harder on them... or something like that. I'm tired of feeling lost by the third week of classes, even though I've been trying to keep up. I just can never seem to concentrate until the last minute.

I frustrate me sometimes... I can sometimes focus on something, think about it, and solve a problem... but i can't focus when I really need to.

I think i'm rambling now, and need to go to bed soon.

I am starting exercising with Rachel tomorrow morning. 8am on M-W-F. We are both wanting to exercise, and are going to keep each other accountable. Hopefully we will keep up with it...

I'm feeling discouraged.

I hate the way my clothes don't fit. And my seeming inability to do anything about it.

I'm not sure why I am majoring in YM, and I don't know what I'm going to do after college.

I don't know if I really fit in at my church anymore. The people and the atmosphere seems to have changed too much. Or maybe I'm just far to cynical and jaded after this past summer...

I need to do homework right now, but I'm not even sure where to start... Ugh...

So.... i'm just complaining...

Spiritual Bulimia: The State of the Church Today

Well, I just did a Google search of the phrase "spiritual bulimia" and found quite a few different blogs and sites with some kind of discussion or monologue about the topic. I hadn't really thought of it as a common thought, but when have I ever really come up with something all that unique as a way of wording things? (Although my statement of "emotional vertigo" as an affect of change in one's life seemed to impress my prof and peers the other day in Leadership & Administration..."

Anyway... my thoughts on this topic that I have found is less than original...

It seems that as Christians we are satisfied with our spiritual bulimia. We like to go to church on Sundays and Wednesday nights and gorge ourselves with spirituality, and God's presence, and the feel good "eat dessert first" praise and worship times. But, to me, it feels like there is something wrong; something missing. It seems that we are happy with our heavy spiritual meals once or twice a week, which may be filled with more junk food than we realize. Which makes me question in my own life: "What is missing in my 'spiritual diet'?"

What makes a healthy spiritual lifestyle? I have experienced times of spiritual dehydration, and lately have become increasingly thirsty for the Word, and for the Spirit.

Do we, as Christians, really have a healthy lifestyle? We go to church on Sunday, and maybe Wednesday nights, but other than that, how often do we really spend time in the Word, or in God's presence, or in prayer? Those are the "health foods" of Christianity. They are what keep us going! I have found myself lagging and dragging in my spiritual walk when I neglect these things!

I have also been wondering lately, how much do we hear in the Christian songs on the radio about God's power, but we do not see it in our lives? I have thought about that lately, since I do listen to "CCM" (Contemporary Christian Music, however horrid that some people think this genre is...). Some of these songs talk about seeing the sick healed, the dead raised, and broken hearts put back together! These songs are powerful! But I wonder who is going to "dive in" or be a "history maker"? We call on God in these songs to "rain down" His Holy Spirit, and to "touch our generation". But is He going to reach down and touch us if we are just singing these songs one time, with hardly any thought to what we are saying or asking? If we are not persistent in our devotion to Him we will continue to just seek His presence on Sunday mornings and forget about Him the rest of the week.

I only say all of this because I myself have not been spending as much time in prayer, or seeking His presence, or living out the Kingdom of God here on earth. In fact I have done a marvelous job at just the opposite it seems. I have become frustrated and jaded with church life and in relation to some people within the church in general. Maybe that's just what comes with a summer of being in ministry with other humans... who are just as faulty as I am. I have been doing more complaining than praising. And it's getting on my nerves.

So what is my point? I could go on forever with examples of the ways I have fallen short of living life how I believe that Christ calls it to be lived. The only thing I can do is humble myself in day to day worship... In living out my life for Christ. I am still trying to figure out the whole "living out the Kingdom here on earth" thing. I feel like it is sort of like living in the "Matrix"... like the next to last scene where Neo is shot, but not killed, because the Matrix is greater than the physics of the "real world" that we see. Such is Heaven when compaired to earth. I believe that when Paul said "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me", that he meant *all* things... Now the question is, "How do I live this Kingdom life here on earth?"

I have too many thoughts in my head right now to get out... I have one topic that I want to post on... but haven't had the time to do so yet...

Spiritual Bulimia: The State of the Church Today (it sounds like the title of an article or book or something... i might flesh this one out later on tonight... coz i really want to put my thoughts down on this...)


And aside from that one topic... life has been frustrating lately. This whole week seems to have been one long headache. A dull throbbing that won't go away. Which is also what my head is experiencing at this moment... Too much stress? Too much procrastination? Too much lack of focus, for reasons I am still trying to pinpoint? I've been finding myself frustrated, ticked off, and generally not pleasant at the end of the day... or the beginning, depending on what or how much is due for classes on that day....

I am a vile and ugly human.

Thank God for grace...

Retro Dreams

I seem to be getting on this very long retro kick as of late. Not like it isn't something I haven't always been interested in. I love antique stores and going to yardsales and finding random old things that are so outdated that the people who have them don't know what they were for... and I do... which is the fun part... coz I'm a lot younger than most of the items that I have interest in.

Recently I have acquired some old Nintendo stuff, for pretty cheap. Today I went to a yardsale while stalling taking one of the girls from youth group home, because she doesn't like to go home after church. Anyway... at one yardsale I saw a Casio keyboard... No, not the large, full keyboard that musicians use... the little tiny one with miniature keys and 100 different tunes already ingrained into its tiny little memory. It had a sticker for $2 on it, and the yardsale was having a half off day. So it was only $1, which was good coz that's all the cash I had on me. I got it. I used to have one, or my sister used to have one, and it got lost somewhere along the way. Or it just broke. Who knows.

Is it odd that I have such an interest in retro things? Or do you think that that's just because it's "the thing" right now?

Now for a programme change... (obviously said with a British accent, because of the spelling of "programme")...

I am also extremely interested right now in photography. I think I have too many hobbies/interests... There are a million things I would like to do, but I haven't the time or the money to do them all. But today at church Pastor Jerrell spoke about the dreams and stuff that God has given you, and how to get to where you want to be by starting where you are. I guess that's what I'm doing. Photography and computers are more hobbies right now. I'm almost thinking that youth ministry is going to become a hobby later on if I end up finding a job in computers or photography, if I ever get that good at either. I really don't know what I'm going to do with this degree when I get out of here. Everything technical that I know is basically stuff I've learned along the way. Stuff I haven'd had classes in. Bits and pieces of information and know how that have gotten me through 4 years at the same campus job (Praise the Lord for that!). I'm now becoming the person who is specialized in updating computers and making sure they have the information on them that they need before they go out to the people who are getting them. We are all being given a specialty in the area where we are already most specialized. I am truly a "Jack of All Trades" here at work. I've done just about everything in my 4 years here, and only now am I getting assigned a specialty. It is not my most preferred one, but what can you do when you only work one or two hour shifts at a time. If I were here longer I might be able to do other things on a moer specialized level. But back to the subject at hand... I am going through some tough classes right now, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all that knowledge once I graduate! I don't want to be a youth pastor. I want to work with youth. If I had my choice, it would probably be with a parachurch organization or something of that sort. I just do not see myself giving messages, and planning church events, and being the go to person for the youth ministry at a church. That's just not my thing. It's not something I'm interested in doing. I don't even know if I would want to work full time for a parachurch organization.

A lot of stuff is up in the air right now, it seems. I should just focus on my homework right now, and the very large papers and stuff I have coming up this semester. And yet I still question why I am putting myself through all of this. I would almost rather just work on computers or go take pictures around the world...

Leave me alone... coz i don't want to be alone...

I'm finding myself in a stressful major that I have no idea what i'm going to do with, all over again.

I've randomly started to collect cheap Nintendo stuff for the old NES... I know my money would be better spent on other things... At least I think I already have an outfit figured out for Midnight Breakfast... Let's just say that I'm going to be raiding a Goodwill of their 80's clothing for my outfit... This is a first... a Midnight Breakfast outfit planned to some extent within the first month of school...

Spent some time with Jesus tonight. Journaled. Read. I was at SG so I didn't stay long, just because another wave of people came in for drinks and it got really loud.

Been listening to a station on Pandora lately that "sounds like" GlassByrd. It has a nice selection of music...

This weekend I plan on doing research for my big paper in Senior Sem. in YM. I'm still sort of in the process of narrowing down my topic... but it will have something to do with media or technology for sure...

I should probably go to bed soon so I can make it through tomorrow with a little less caffeine than today. I went to a movie last night with Amanda and Ruth. We saw Indiana Jones. It was fun. Afterwards we got Taco Bell and came back to my place and ate and chatted until Ruth had to leave. I gave her a head massage because she had a headache that she thought was a migrane, but then realized it was just a bad sinus headache. She's a nurse... so she was analyzing what I was doing when I was massaging her head. And she was amazed that it was working.... lol... I was glad to be able to give a massage... My two main clients are no longer close enough for me to just go over to their place and give massages... I don't think anyone in my house has found out that I can give massages... Hmm...

Trying not to be a sourpuss...

SEW has been going well this week. I need to podcast the messages though, so I can listen to them again.

Classes are going. They have hit a pretty steady pace, that I have been trying to keep up with, but I keep lagging in my pace somewhat. I'll try to get things done and then when I walk into class realize I forgot something. I've also been very tired as of late, like practically falling asleep in my latest classes of the day, which I never get out of class until 4:00 or 4:30pm on any given day.

I have had to give up going to youth group on Wednesday nights just so I can get my Thursday homework done on time. My busiest days class wise are Tuesday/Thursday. Busy-ness wise, it seems that M-W-F are far surpassing T-R. Why? Well, I have Chapel, and work for 2 hours, then finishing homework before my one and only class for the day at 3pm.

I just got off the phone a little bit ago with my car insurance agency. I acted like a jerk, i think. I had not received a bill from them the last couple of months. The person I was talking to was like "Well, you know you bill is due by a certain date, and it's your responsibility to turn it in. The bill we send is complementary." A complementary bill? I was hoping for one that comes every time I should pay it so I have the form and all that, coz otherwise I don't know where to send it. So, I just moved money from my very low savings account to my extremely low checking account and paid the bill over the phone, so I can have coverage on my car now. I also asked them to send me the form for them to take the payment out of my checking account automatically. I just wish they would hurry up and set up an online payment thing so that I wouldn't have to deal with their antiquated system of doing things. But it's in the middle of Cornfield, USA, so what more can you ask for?

In the last couple of days three people have complemented me on my "cool bike" that I have been riding around campus. Honestly, I thought it pretty ghetto. The seat doesn't match the bike in any way, and it slips when I have my backpack on so that the front of the seat goes up and the back goes down which is slightly awkward to sit on when riding. Of course I end up standing up on it most times while I'm riding, just coz I feel more stable when standing... for some really odd reason. I still wish that I had my old/new Huffy beach cruiser that I got for my birthday or something when we lived in Griffin. I like the beach cruisers with the curved handle bars and coaster brakes and comfortable seats much better than a speed bike with hand brakes. But I will take what I have right now.

I don't have much else right now... to say... or just in general. I've got nothing.

SEW

It's that time of year again. Spiritual Emphasis Week. God is already doing some crazy stuff on campus through the speaker we have this year: John Vermilya. He is speaking hard truth to this campus, and it is getting a response.

Be praying for the campus, for open hearts and open ears, and for protection against spiritual attack. But most of all, pray for the movement of the Holy Spirit to be manifest here in ways this campus has never seen before! God is doing something awesome this week.

What to write? I feel like writing, but every time I think of something to write I am somewhere other than my computer, and by the time I return home to finally do something here my moment of inspiration has already come and gone...

Since I have been watching episodes of MacGyver online lately I am realizing that I must have picked up some of his tendencies from watching the show as a kid. I remember being about 4 years old and having watched the show, trying to do a "MacGyver roll" to the side of our driveway in the grass there. My sister and I would take turns trying to do the shoulder roll that he did in the opening sequence. Also, he always looks around and notices things. I am a detail oriented person... I don't keep things in order, but I know the details of things. I haven't yet figured out how to do the things that he does with the random items that he uses. A lot of the analog technology that he has used is obsolete these days.

Aside from this short ramble on MacGyver I really don't have much to say right now. Maybe I will start taking notes on the things I want to blog about.... I have already had quite a bit of homework that I am trying to keep up on, so I can hardly remember anything for more than 5 minutes right now.... hmm... scenes from Memento are being recalled... although Polaroid film is too costly if even available these days...

Sometimes I wonder what people think of me. This is an ongoing struggle. I should be affirmed in the truth of who I am in Christ. And yet, I still get discouraged when I come into a very crowded class, and know some of the people, and yet there's still an empty seat next to me, while everyone else has someone to sit by.

Today we had the first Chapel of the semester. It was very different without my friends I usually sit with being there. So many adjustments this semester. There was a group of some upperclassmen and some freshmen who sat by me because of the place being so crowded today. It was good. Slightly awkward just coz of not knowing anyone, but alright. Dr. Cramer spoke today, as is tradition. I enjoy when he speaks. He didn't sing this year, though. He did mention the one song that he and his wife sing, that quotes the verse that says "He who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it". He started his message with a couple of verses from Isaiah...

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland."

~Isaiah 43: 18-19

Dr. Cramer also spoke of relationships and community. The theme of the Chapel schedule is a coffee shop, because it is about more than coffee... It is about relationship, community, the experience, the conversation. I felt a bit sad yesterday as he kept going. I was thinking, "That's all well and good, but what if those who you have close relationships with, and those deep conversations with are too far away to enjoy a cup of coffee with? What then?". One thing is for sure, I cherish the times I have had with my friends. I have to keep in touch with my friends I have fellowshipped with for years, but I have to live where I'm at right now, too. My current situation at the coffee shop has been mostly studying by myself. Not too much community it seems. Or maybe I'm just not friendly enough with people or something. I don't know.

Anyway... I'm still wondering what this new thing is that God is doing. I can't "forget" certain past things. There are some past things, and there are some continuing things. The continuing relationships will not be forgotten. The past struggles, some of them I need to move beyond. To keep on going. To live in His truth, to TRUST Him.

Trusting has been a major topic lately. For provision, for healing, for joy, for His presence, His voice, His guidance.

My friend Ashley prayed for me yesterday and reminded me to trust Him for these things, and others.

I am longing to be refreshed by Him... to get back out in the middle of the dance floor...

Alone?

I went to the Back to School Party this evening after work. I felt incredibly alone. At least for a little while. It was so odd going without my close friends by my side. I walked around just feeling awkward for a while. Then saw some acquaintances and met a couple of new people. It was just really different.

I really need some God time. I hope i can get some time this weekend. I need it. Desperately.

Tomorrow will be interesting. The first day of school. I haven't had the time or the money to go shopping for new clothes or anything. Not even books. Still haven't got those. I will, hopefully tomorrow, as i have homework for Tuesday already. I am also picking up a copy of Office 07 tomorrow. I've been aiming to get it for a while, and haven't had the time to just go get it. Crazy what happens when you start working 10 hours a day or more.

I'm getting to know my roomies some. The third one finally moved in. We have a dorm meeting tomorrow night... well, perimeter houses meeting. So it'll be good to get to know who all is in the "outhouses".

The back of my head on the right side currently feels like someone is brushing a searing hot feather across it... That's the only way i can describe the weird feeling right now. It has me twitching every once in a while just coz of it being in a really bothersome spot. I woke up this morning to turn over and as i lay in bed i could not get back to sleep because it started to hurt/itch/whatever that feeling is described as. I felt like crying this morning. I kind of feel like crying now. The work day is going by so slowly, coz i'm in the office all day, i'm trying not to scratch my head, and i really can't scratch my head, coz that's not going to help matters any. It's the nerves that are being bothered, my skin only barely with the bumps from it. But it's the deeper nerves there being bothered. I can't do anything about it, but take my anti-viral medication.

This is driving me nuts.....

Thanks for the prayers.

Just an update...

Well, I did go to the nurse today about the swollen lymph nodes in my neck and the rash behind my ear. She sent me over to the doctor, which meant calling off work for the afternoon. She wanted me to get the rash checked out. So I went over to the doc and one of the residents working with him checked me out to begin with. Then he gave the doc a recap of everything when he came in. The doc took a look and finally came to the conclusion that it might be shingles... Lovely. I'm not that old, or that stressed, so i'm not quite sure why this has surfaced. I say surfaced, because it comes from the chickenpox virus, but isn't the same thing. But once you've had chickenpox and if the virus reactivates it comes out as shingles. So.... I'm on some medication for it for a week... 5 pills a day for a week. Lovely. But hopefully it makes the itching and pain go away for the most part. Also got some hydrocortisone cream to keep the itch from getting too bad.

Ugh

My head hurts. It's foggy. I can't even think or talk straight right now. I did not quite realize that I would be working all day the first half of this week. Tomorrow is uppers move in, so i'm going to be out helping people get online who will more than likely be more confused than the freshmen, since these are returning students coming in tomorrow. Possibly will be getting our other roommate tomorrow, too.

I've been getting enough sleep lately it seems, almost too much, but right now I'm just feeling icky. I'm going to try going a few days without soda and try to lay off the majority of junk food i've been eating lately. I need to get milk. I've been without milk for a few days now. I've been addicted to it lately.

Sunday morning I woke up with a really bad headache. It lasted most of the day. It came back in the evening just as I was getting ready to go to bed, too. I also noticed that most of the lymph nodes in my neck are all swollen and tender. Ugh. I just hope my head doesn't get all clogged up or anything for the first week of school. I think tonight is going to be a NyQuil night...

Tomorrow I have to be up early and at work at 8:45am to help the people moving in get online. It's gonna be a long week.

Another MMMBOP moment...

Campus is slowly getting more full. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Right now I feel like my social skills for groups of college students is at an all time low. Sorta like my freshman year when I came in not knowing anyone. Although there are a handful of people around campus that I am acquainted with. None as close as all of those who already are or will soon be miles away.

The RA's are already here. The Freshmen come in tomorrow. I am going to be helping with Computer Services to get the freshmen online and whatnot. The morning will be consumed with helping them pack things in. The afternoon will probably be more along the lines of what I'm actually there to do. But I guess what I'm there to do is to be a good example of a student worker at Bethel... or something cheesy like that.

It looks like the forecast is calling for chances of rain tomorrow. It rained last year. I helped people carry stuff in during a downpour. I was wet the rest of the day. The air was so humid. Drying out was virtually impossible until I returned to my apartment in the evening. Even then it was difficult.

I also have another going away party to go to tomorrow evening, as soon as I leave work. It's hard saying so many goodbye's. I just saw Sara for the last time for a while today. She stopped by before meeting with a co-worker. She had some things to print, so I got that done in the computer lab, and we hung out while waiting for her documents to print. It definitely took a while.

One thing I am glad of with the recent "goodbye's": They are not final. I've had some pretty finalized relationships since close to the end of last semester. Maybe it's one of those "agree to disagree" types of things... although not.... I'm not sure. These instances left me feeling like the time that I had invested was all for naught. They were kind of like an earthquake... Seemingly coming out of nowhere, but obviously there was something in the foundation that wasn't quite all together... so even though it wasn't seen, it was still felt. What caused the cracks in the foundation is uncertain. Maybe I didn't read the landscape properly. Maybe the land had fissures before it was settled upon. I'm not sure. But each instance was just as interesting as being woken up at 5:40am, shaken by some unseen force. It's not something I can really be angry about. Frustrated, maybe. Mostly because I wonder why. But the way I figure it, there are some ties that just come undone. Mmmbop. "Hold on to the one's who really care, coz in the end they'll be the only one's there."

Enough of my ramblings for now. Those are just some thoughts that have been deep on my mind lately and needed to be released. I don't feel like being specific about the instances I am speaking of, although some of you who read this could probably guess at least one.

I need some Jesus time. Just me and Him. Maybe Sunday afternoon would be good for that. I will have a busy week Monday with tech training, returning student move in, and classes starting.

Oh boy, here we go again.

So... I'm really thinking about making this my blogging home from now on... Dunno what I will do with my Xanga, but I like this site, and just about everyone I know has one now so this is where I spend most of my time reading everyone's updates.

Classes start next Thursday. I'm sort of ready and sort of not. This weekend I am working as a tech again, (finally!) for the Freshman move in. Then next Tuesday I am again working as a Tech for the returning student move in. After being a lab assistant for the summer I am feeling a bit rusty on my tech skills... and also feeling slightly out of the tech loop, as the techs for the summer have worked with each other through the days this summer, and I am there in the evenings when everyone is leaving or has already left. I can't wait to have my tech rights back and be able to actually work on computers, and be back in the loop of what we're doing and stuff. We have a training session on Monday.

Last night I found out there were glowing stars on my ceiling in my room. It figures that I found them last night and not any other night... I was extremely tired. We had a picnic at the church yesterday evening, and after that some of us girls got together for a goodbye gathering for Sara. We had a good time talking and laughing and just having random conversations. By the time I got home it was 11pm. I don't stay up late much these days.

I go in to work at 4 this evening... So, until then I need to find something somewhat productive to do.

One observation from JK for the summer during our leadership meetings: You are very emotional and you show it. Your friends can read you easily. That can be a good thing and a bad thing.

Hmmm... I definitely was emotional last night.

I'm just wondering what God is up to... Holly asked me if i thought it was a coincidence that most of the people i am really close to are all leaving around the same time. I replied that I don't believe in coincidence. Everything happens for a purpose.

So.... God... What's Your purpose in all this? I'm just gonna have to wait it out, aren't I? And trust You... yeah... that's what I thought...

soreness, deer, music... (can you tell i'm tired?)

I have moved my stuff in to my new residence for the next four months. I am going to be getting settled in for the next couple of weeks or so. It's going to take a bit to get settled in.

As i was unloading my car i heard a noise in the trees beside the house, just across from where i was parked. There, standing in the middle of the trees, was a young deer. I could not tell whether it was a male or female. It was just young and spotted. It stood there, staring at me with big eyes, watching as i went to and from the house, getting stuff from my car and packing it in to the house. It finally sat down in the middle of a pile of leaves, and just gazed off, watching something else. I had gone inside and got some carrots out of the fridge that i've had for a bit. I thought maybe the deer might eat them. We'll see. I might check later on. It didn't make a move for them when i went to put them near it. I don't know where it lives, or where its mother is. I just can't believe the poor thing is living in the middle of the city :(

Currently, my whole body is aching from packing a bunch of stuff down the stairs this morning, and yesterday... and having to go back up the stairs each time to get another load! My hips hurt like crazy from lifting things and going up and down the stairs. I just can't wait to get back to the room tonight, find my bedding so i can make my bed and go to sleep. I still work tomorrow during the day. No Pulse Fest for me tomorrow. I thought about it, but never asked off. Oh well. Not too many people i want to see anyway. Casting Crowns would be nice to see live, but i don't think i could take seeing Toby Mac. I like some of his music. His new song is cool. Some of his songs just annoy me.

At least we cleaned the apartment today, before leaving, so i won't have to run over there after work tomorrow. That will be good. I can just focus on getting some more of my things organized before my roommate comes on Sunday.

For now i am sitting here in the lab just trying to stay awake. All i want to do right now is take off my shoes and chill. I really need to shower too... that would feel amazing... We have a tub in our house... it's kind of small though, or i might just try to find my epsom salt and soak for a while to get rid of some of the soreness in my muscles.... I'm just glad that my bedroom has a window a/c unit... :) cold nights where i can bundle up! Yay! :)

The conversation with C this afternoon has got me wondering... not like i wasn't already... but is youth ministry where i'm supposed to be?

What am i doing with my life?

I'm feeling stuck...

I am currently sitting in my apartment at the church, which is quite chilly at the moment. I am already in my pj's and am thinking about going to bed soon. I feel like I have been sleeping too much lately. Maybe my body is just trying to catch up for the school year. I need some discipline in my life. With my sleep schedule, eating habits, studying habits, exercising schedule, and most especially my God time...

This whole summer I have not really had a day to myself to go spend with God and just not have any responsibilities. I've been working most of the week, and when i'm not working on campus i'm doing stuff here at the church. On Monday's I do stuff at the church and on campus. I've not had a "Sabbath" since... well, I can't really remember.

Today, though, I was informed of a scheduled power outage of the building that I work in on campus. Who knows why... probably to upgrade some electric lines in it or something. But that means that I am not going in to work tomorrow!!!! :) I have the day off. I'm going to spend some time outside of the apartment... maybe hang out at a coffee shop or something... spend most of the day with analog technology, i.e. a book or two and pen and paper, instead of digital technology, i.e. my computer.

I was just thinking yesterday about how I had not gotten a day off for a while, and now I have one! Praise God! :)

I'm sure there's deeper thoughts in my head somewhere, but this is really all I have for now. I have not taken enough time away from everything to meditate on God and His Word and all... so I'm pretty excited.

My parents and my brother and his fiance are all getting together this weekend for a cookout in celebration of my brother and my Dad's b-days this coming week. I wish that I could be home for that.

I'm just sitting here thinking, listening to music, looking at pics on Flickr, and wishing it was already bedtime.

I went to the mall today after church coz i got bored with sitting here in the church by myself and not doing anything but sitting here on the internet pretty much doing nothing. I ended up buying a toy from a video game, coz i had seen it last week, and the pics of toys doing random things had sort of inspired me to try something new with my camera... And it is sort of serving as some motivation to think up things for the toy to "do" and take pics of it, if i can't think of something interesting from real life to take a picture of for my 365 thing.

My sunburn from last weekend is starting to not hurt quite as bad. It has been red, dry, peeling and sort of scabbing over some this past week. And it hurt like crazy. I couldn't even move my arms like normal this whole week coz my skin across the upper part of my chest was so dry that any kind of movement had me gasping in pain. If i learn one thing from an experience i am usually bound to forget something else... last year my feet got burnt so bad i couldn't wear shoes for almost a week... so i put sunscreen on my feet this year... i failed to reapply the sunscreen to basically any of my skin showing from the top of my swimsuit. My arms didn't get burnt too bad at all because they are mostly tanned from the rest of the summer prior to last weekend. Oh the joys of being part Irish...

Today was Amy's last Sunday at church before she goes to China. Tomorrow is her going away party, which i will only be able to catch the tail end of because of work.

Anyway... i really do wish it was bedtime. I'm bored out of my mind right now and i really have nothing to do....

Learning to Trust

It seems these days that I am learning a lot.

A couple weeks ago during the Press I learned how to, sort of, navigate a raft down a river... backwards for most of the time, and slightly off course.

I also learned how to tie the proper knots to keep a climber in their harness... particularly myself and the person belaying or being belayed. (belaying is the term for the person on the ground controlling the tension on the climber's rope so if/when they fall they don't fall too far, and don't go down too fast upon descent). Climb On!

I learned this last Wednesday how to sorta control my body in water... as I tried to wade around in the shallow end of a pool. My fears are becoming less as I get more acquainted with deeper water.

This last weekend I slowly warmed up to the water, and was trying to get my body used to the different feel of the water coming up and splashing on me, and over my head sometimes, and up against my body. Part of it was muscle memory. Part of it was just staying calm. Part of it was just trusting what I knew: that my friends would not let me drown; that I really could learn to swim and get used to the water; that I had it in me to learn, and do the right things in the water to keep from panicking, to keep my head up, to breathe at the right times, to move in the right ways to keep afloat.


A lot of what I have learned has to do with trust.
Trusting that the raft would not flip. Or that I would not drown if I fell out.
Trusting that the knots would hold. Trusting that the person belaying me could hold me.
Trusting the words of those instructing me what to do once I got in the water.
Trusting the people around me to not let me get in a situation where I would be in danger.

Trusting God with things that I cannot control.
Trusting Him... because He is good. Because He is far more trustworthy than anything else I have learned to put my trust in these recent weeks.

Psalm 36:5
"Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies."

Inconsistant

I'm at work. I'm slightly bored.

I really do not have any deep thoughts, or amazing spiritual comments to write at this moment.

What I have right now is more of a lament. I seem to be falling back onto old battle fields. Ones I thought I had crossed. But here I am again, back in the same old stuff as usual. I have recently been way over emotional about every little thing. And yet, I seem to hear God telling me that He just wants me to seek Him.

I'm a little thick headed at times.... which is basically all the time...

I don't take direction well.

I don't take correction well.

I don't take change well.

I have too much stuff that I don't know what to do with, and can't seem to bring myself to get rid of. I am too sentimental... even if an item isn't mine I can be sentimental about it.




I keep thinking that I should be beyond these battles that I have been facing. The same old lies from the enemy. Pride... that seems to be a never ending battle. Even when it comes down to spending time with Him, I just have not been with it the last couple months or so. And I don't like it....

I am discontent. With myself, for slacking, for being fairly lazy (even though I would not usually admit that), for letting myself fall back into this dark rut of depression once more... but it is only a season, that will hopefully soon pass...

I am discontent: with how I handle my finances, my important papers/documents, my homework (although I have not had homework since April... but I will again soon enough), my time, my friendships, my relationships in general.

We talked about priorities at church today. It makes me wonder... what are my priorities?

God. My family. Friends. Learning. Work. Other people. Serving.

So where do my priorities for getting fit, losing weight, getting things organized, doing my homework on time, not spending my money on silly things, come in at?

catch up

It's been a while since I last posted. It's been an interesting time for sure.

The last week we had "The Press". We had the kids, and us leaders, going rafting, climbing rock walls, going to the zoo with a bunch of people from a group home, watched "The Count of Monte Cristo", and put together a 500 piece puzzle.

I think I have been realizing some things I need to change in my life. Although right now my life seems to be full of changes.

I am resisting the feeling of loneliness that is pressing in on the edges right now.

I need to spend some more time with Jesus.

I need to spend some more time with my family.

I need to spend some more time with my friends.

I need to get organized. However slowly, but surely. I just need to gain the skills.

I need to humble myself before God.

I need to get rid of my pride. It's tripping me up a lot lately.

I need to change my attitude... to a better one... not to a nonexistent one.

I need to get a handle on a lot of things right now... although I am pretty sure that even if I did I would not be able to lift them all at once.

I need to take my car into the shop.

I need to learn... a lot more... about a lot of things.

I need to put the things I have learned in to action... if I can find them in the dusty corners of my mind.

I need to take time to revitalize... my heart, my soul, my mind... instead of going constantly doing things, or just by doing pointless things...

I need to be still.

I need the prayers of my friends... for both myself and for my family... especially for my Dad, who is having some tests done soon to see if a spot on his kidney is cancer or not.

I need to refocus on God.

Some days i just want to quit this thing.

I got a 20 minutes lecture from C. today about how i need to get the room cleaned up because it wasn't fit to live in, and K. wouldn't have any place for her stuff if i kept all my stuff in here.

I finally got some of my stuff in storage. Just gotta organize the rest now. Which hopefully won't be too hard.

Why did i get so stinking emotional when i was talking about the stuff?

I sent him an e-mail and tried to explain where i was coming from... and why i was so emotional... i don't know if he's read it yet or not.... i can never seem to talk well over the phone or in person when i'm an emotional wreck....

I'm just tired of getting lectured about stuff, and having everything be my fault, and being told i'm so disrespectful and whatnot.

I'm not, am i?

I need time with Jesus. I need time with people.

Why is it that spending days by myself gets me completely out of whack?

Why is it that if i don't like the way that all my stuff is laying around the room that i can't figure out some place for it to go?

Why is it that i can have the desire to do something, but can never seem to get it done?

you are always being watched

If there's one thing i have learned in watching all of the spy/espionage/suspense/action movies/tv shows that i watch it is this: you are always being watched.

It doesn't matter what you do or where you go, you are always being watched.

It drives people to paranoia.

It makes them think twice before doing something.

I think this hit me kind of hard the other day when an acquaintance sent me a message the other day. It made me think about how i have been living... in a spiritually dry season, not really trying to even make it to the oasis that is His Word, much less get up and walk beside Him through this desert land.

I have not had a good attitude about much lately. It has not been pretty. Especially not to me. I don't like how i have been acting, and i have known that i need some quality time with the Father. But i had not acted on this knowledge.

It's such an odd feeling. Knowing that you have influence where you don't think you have influence. Knowing that someone is taking cues from you.

It's a really strange feeling.

It's something that i've been told before, though. That others will be influenced by me, even when i don't know it.

It makes that bad attitude i've had lately even uglier.

Yeah... i guess that was a 2x4...

listening to a short little green guy

Maybe i'm being irrational. Maybe i'm actually trying to plan for my future. Right now i'm not sure. Thus the blog post.

I was talking with some people at church the other day and Alberta mentioned to the guy she and Kandice were talking to about how i am the live in computer whiz at the church right now, and she mentioned that i'm not studying anything related to computers. For some reason people always seem to be shocked that i have such an interest in computers, and yet have not studied them at all during my college career.

I've been looking into ITT-Tech, and the possibility of going there for some classes.... more like 4 more years of classes, for a Bachelor's Degree in something... which I am looking at Criminal Justice - Cyber Security. It's something that I am interested in. It would sort of teach me how to be a computer CSI or something of that sort. Basically it would be a lot of skills that I am interested in learning.

If I did that I would have to apply, first of all. Then I would have to move to Indy where the campus is that has the degree. That wouldn't be so bad. It would be closer to home, and still close to here. It would be another 4 years.

What am I thinking?

I may or may not do this. I would like to do this. Just like I would like to get into shape. It's possible. Do I have the motivation? Do I have the will to do this? Can I really follow through? I have been a disappointment to myself in following through with things over the last few years. My freshman year, I felt that I was someone who could be counted on, who kept promises, etc.... Lately, I really do not feel like that is the case so much. I want to get back to that level of reliability, and ditch the apathy that has been so prevalent.

I was looking at the Indiana State Police website at their physical requirements. They have the goals, and they have some ways that you can train to reach them. I am going to follow their training for running. I just have to actually get out and do it. Is it really that hard? I will have time the rest of the summer to do things in the mornings most days. All except Sunday and Monday. All other days the earliest I have to be somewhere is at noon on Wednesday and 10am on Saturday. Is that too much to ask? That I rise early enough in the morning to get some exercise in? Can I be that determined?

I want to do this because I do not like the current physical shape that my body is in. It also would help my mood, sleep, and energy level in general. So why not?

In the words of Master Yoda, "Do or do not. There is no try."

late night ramblings

I can't sleep. I've got too many things going on in my head.

Part of why i'm frustrated has to do with being expected as a "leader" to respond a certain way to people, and yet not seeing the more advanced leaders doing the same thing. I guess the thing a good leader of any "level" would do is respond how they should respond, whether anyone else is responding how they should or not. It's just frustrating when what you're told to do is not being modeled by your superiors. It makes me wonder why i have to be so much more of a leader. If they cannot act appropriately how do they expect someone with much less experience to act appropriately. I did not even know that we had gotten into that much of a "verbal battle". I was just upset and crying. Apparently that was disrespectful. Sorry if i'm an emotional person.

My messy room... maybe i should be able to take better care of that by now. Maybe the habits are just far too ingrained in me. It doesn't mean that i can't stand for people to see my room. I don't like it to be messy. I don't plan for it to be that way. Maybe i just don't know how to get it all organized. That's not exactly one of my strong points. I'm a very random person. I get sidetracked easily. Just like how everyone can apparently multitask. It doesn't matter how many times i assure you that i can't multi-task, i'm never believed. I am supposed to be able to concentrate on 100 different things at one time. Sorry, but i do things in a linear fashion. It's all or nothing. If i do too many things at once, nothing gets done. My boss doesn't understand that. I have to work on my multi-tasking skills. I'm not productive if i multi-task. I never finish anything if i do more than one project at a time. It just doesn't happen. I have finished wood carvings because i got on a kick and just did it. I kept on going and didn't let anything stop me. I've done drawings by devoting hours to getting them finished. I would not even get a meal if i wasn't done with my drawing. I've forgotten in recent years how to be devoted to something and finish things.

I used to could sort of organize things. Things always had a place, anyway. Then i didn't care anymore. When we had to move when i was 14 i put all my stuff in boxes and it's all been there since. I never really unpacked. I've been a nomad ever since, practically. Never really calling anyplace home. Since coming to college, i really have become a nomad. Living far from home. Not really having a permanent address. Never having my own place for my own stuff. It's really easy for me to get careless with it.

Does that mean i should be reamed out for it just because one of my superiors for the summer has extreme perfectionist tendencies?

Is it wrong to want to get something out of someone using your status as a college student to get a discount on something, and on top of that getting another thing for free with the deal? Maybe i'm just being selfish... maybe i just feel used...

Maybe i'm just too emotionally backed up and i need to let it out... and everything is becoming the straw that breaks the camels' back at the moment... i really need to unload things a lot sooner than the back breaking moments when everything seems to fall too heavily on me....

"MMMBop"

Oh oh oh oh oh
Yeah

You have so many relationships in this life
Only one or two will last
You go through all the pain and strife
Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast
Oh yeah
And they're gone so fast, yeah
Oh
So hold on the ones who really care
In the end they'll be the only ones there
And when you get old and start losing your hair
Tell me who will still care
Can you tell me who will still care?
Oh care

Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du
Yeah
Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du
Yeah

Oh yeah
In an Mmmbop they're gone
Yeah yeah

Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose
You can plant any one of those
Keep planting to find out which one grows
It's a secret no one knows
It's a secret no one knows
Oh, no one knows

Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du, yeah
Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du, yeah

Oh
Yeah oh

In an mmm bop they're gone
Oh yeah oh
In an mmmbop they're gone
In an mmm bop they're not there
In an mmmbop they're gone
In an mmm bop they're not there
In an mmmbop they're gone
In an mmmbop they're not there
In an mmmbop they're gone
In an mmmbop they're not there
Until you lose your hair
Oh
But you don't care

Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du, yeah
Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du, yeah

Yeah
Oh yeah oh oh
So hold on the ones who really care
In the end they'll be the only ones there
And hen you get old and start losing your hair
Tell me who will still care
Can you tell me who will still care?
Oh care

Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du, yeah
Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du, care

Can you tell me? oh
No you can't 'cause you don't know
Can you tell me? oh
You say you can but you don't know
Can you tell me? oh
(Which flower's going to grow?)
No you can't 'cause you don't know
Can you tell me? oh
(If it's going to be a daisy or a rose?)
You say you can but you don't know
Can you tell me? oh
(which flower's going to grow?)
No you can't 'cause you don't know
Can you tell me? oh
You say you can but you don't know
Oh yeah
You say you can but you don't know
You dont know
You dont know, oh

Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du, yeah
Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du, care

Oh
Can u tell me? oh
No you can't 'cause you don't know
Can u tell me? oh
You say you can but you don't know
Can u tell me? oh
No you can't 'cause you don't know
Can u tell me?
You say you can but you don't know

(c) Hanson

I have to move, yet again. This time just one door down into a smaller apartment that I will have to myself for July, but will regain my current roomie in August for the three weeks or so that we will have before school starts again.

I was told today that the current state of my room (slightly more messy than even I would prefer it be) was "unacceptable". Never mind that I really haven't been around the apartment that often, except to run in and out and maybe sleep there, which I have not been doing the last couple of nights, and will not be until Saturday, which will be in the other apartment because I have to move by Thursday or Friday. Blah. Even so, I was apparently just "making excuses" for the messy state of my room. That state would not stand in the house of the person who checked the rooms today. I really wanted to tell her that I was not living in her house, and whatever she has her boys or her house guests do, she is not my mother either. Instead I just stood there crying like an idiot because I felt about an inch tall by that time, whether she meant for that or not. It did not matter that it "wasn't personal", it sure felt like it. Then she mentioned that when a person's car is messy that it usually means there's a lot of stress or whatever in their life... basically their life is messed up too... by the time she mentioned that I was basically wondering if she was referring to my car, which if I had the place to put my things at the church, would not be as full as it is still. I asked for a place to put my bike, but none was found. I suggested the YM office, but that was apparently not an option. Thus is is still residing in my back seat. Lovely. Sure I may need to clean my stuff up a bit, but maybe I would prefer to have some space to put my things before someone goes and rails on me for everything not being put away.

Other than that, well... I'd really like to finish the rest of my dinner right now, but I am in the lab. And I should run to the store or something before I go back to the apartment, before I go back to Cindi's house where I'm house sitting. I just hope that I get a paycheck soon...

I've been chosen to take point on planning a pool party for the youth group while Casey is on vacation next week. I knew this a few weeks ago. I forgot it in the midst of planning for this last week or so. We missed the announcement tonight... i don't know who's job it was to remember, but none of us did. Nice. That will be fun. I don't plan on getting in the water next week. I also have no idea what i'm going to wear for it. The shorts and stuff i have don't fit anymore. Blah.

I'm seriously working on that... the fitting into clothes thing... I just need to get a sort of schedule or plan or whatever set down so i can have something to follow. I also need to go grocery shopping for something that isn't filled with carbs and calories. If my Dad can do it, then i can... right? My brother has also done a weight loss thing before and is still sticking to a diet and exercise now. I feel like i just don't have the motivation of the rest of my family sometimes... Like right now i'm motivated, i just haven't really done anything about it...

Tomorrow we (youth min people's) are being taken out to dinner as a congratulations sort of thing for getting through this last week and having been a big part of making sure it got pulled off. So we're going out for some good food and conversation.

Today has been long-ish. Work here at the church, which included youth group this evening. I'm tired. I'm still trying to get over the last week. Spending 5 solid days with teenagers is draining...

It has been a while since I last posted. In that time I have been to my parent's house, hung out with them, my older sisters, my brother, and my nieces. I helped out with my parent's 50th anniversary party. We had close to 40 people there. It was a nice week.

When I came back north I found out on the way there that two of my roommates had moved out the previous night. Lovely. We had a big youth event coming up, and they up and leave. I got to the church and my head was already spinning. There was so much to do, and I had so much going through my head. I was not ready to spend time with the youth, but I really had no choice. I was already homesick the minute I arrived in the church parking lot. I did not want to be around people. And I wanted to ream out the two roomies that had left, but they were not around and I didn't want to call them. Although now I think it is best that they have left.

The event came and went. It was exhausting. The last night was insane. All the kids were up and doing stuff late into the night, and they decided they wanted to be stubborn about it, also. One left at 2am. The guys room was all up until 3am. I think I had about 5 hours of sleep each night... by yesterday I was about to fall asleep standing up. I didn't go to bed until around 11pm though. I watched "8 Mile" on TV. It is the movie that the rapper Eminem is in. It was a pretty good movie, but had a lot of language, which was mostly deleted for the TV edit, and a scene or two that was, thankfully, severely edited. It was a very interesting movie, though.

I am hopefully going to take some time out tomorrow to possibly move rooms in the apartment, since the one bedroom with a window is now empty. I will also probably just get away from the church for a while and go to a Starbucks or something so I can read a book, and journal... which I have been unable to do for lack of time for at least a week and a half now.

a poem for the misunderstood

if you took some time to listen
maybe then you'd understand
what you have been missin'
about who i really am

you're so quick to judge me
you're not easily pleased
every time i try
you got me cryin' on my knees

i'm not tryin'a be like this
disrespectful and all
it just don't seem right
to be the only one to fall

you don't know my issues
not like you really care
maybe you been through a lot
but you haven't been there

i keep my thoughts to me
unless i think i can speak
but you keep talking... asking questions
then you make me feel weak

humiliation breeds anger
at least it does for me
and the stress that i speak of
comes from anxiety

you want me to do things
but it's never done right
and how i respond
well, it's fight or flight

it's like i've been cornered
and i can't get free
but you don't notice
how it really affects me

© TechnoIndigo

Pressed But Not Crushed

It's been hard. It's going to continue being hard. Casey's message tonight was a sort of pep-talk for the interns. He mentioned us in his message when talking about pressure and stuff. He said something about diamonds and how they are formed. It was good. Hard, but good.

I've had many different things compounding together lately that have been stressing me out, making me more vulnerable to stress, etc. So... i'm going to go to bed now... because it all begins again tomorrow... but i will be spending some time with Sara in the evening, after running errands during the day, and hopefully getting my car to my mechanic to make sure the leaks get fixed. I can't believe that i've been driving it with the leaks for so long... definitely not good, but there hasn't been much i could do about it lately, but now i have to.

cell phone, sunburn, & forced insomnia

Yesterday i was at Casey and Erin's for Memorial Day. They had invited me and Kandice since they knew we were still in town. While there i texted my parents to see if they were doing anything. I haven't gotten to talk to them much in the last few weeks. I asked my Dad if they had any company, if my brother and his girlfriend had come over at all. He said they hadn't coz they were working. I told him that we were having bbq, and he replied back that he couldn't have that anymore. I texted him back and asked why. He said coz 2 weeks ago he found out from the doctor that he has diabetes...

I can't say that i hadn't expected that. I had wondered since it runs in his family, particularly since all of his siblings have it to some degree. It's still kind of interesting hearing that he has been diagnosed with diabetes. He called me after i started to text him back, and he said that he and Mom have been walking to one of the little shops in town every day, and he had been up on the roof sweeping it off and cleaning out the gutters, and he's measuring how much food he eats and stuff now. So, it sounds like it's got him doing some more healthy things.

Today has been fun, but it wore me out. I went to help Casey out with something at one of the local middle schools. They had a day where they did stuff outside. It was really nice, a little cold, but good. We got Dippin Dots for free. Those things are amazing :-P I'm sore from going back and forth trying to keep these little hoops in the right spots for kids to run through like the football players do the tires. No one could run through them properly, and they kept on taking them with them around their ankles. But they seemed to have a lot of fun with everything. I think i'm going to have to take a hot bath just to get my muscles to calm down a bit.

The internship is going interesting... The relationships with roommates seems a little strained right now. My roomie and i get along fine, but the other ones don't seem to get along with us so much, but they get along with each other. Dunno if that makes sense or not. Last night i was so stressed by everything i just wanted to get out and leave, but it was about 1am so that wasn't too smart to actually do. It just bothers me that everyone is loud and fights/argues all the time about things. I don't really know why everyone is so on edge all the time.

I got sunburnt today. So now i feel warm and slightly ill... not a good feeling. I need some sleep (which i didn't get much of last night for trying to get everything cleaned up before giving up and going to bed after 1:30am knowing i had to be up by 7:00 to get ready to go to the school today), but have to clean up the apartment because it's being shown tomorrow, apparently to some pretty important people, so we have to have it clean. Some days it just feels like bootcamp would be easier than living here.

The week since the internship officially started has been an emotional one. I have cried, been frustrated, shoveled rocks with a bad attitude but was able to just take out my frustrations on the rocks.... and i've cried some more... during meetings with my supervisors for the summer.

I have just felt disoriented lately. Maybe it's from a lack of sleep. Or just adjusting to this new setting. I'm not that good with change. I think that I'm also probably just PMSing right now... which usually throws my emotions for a loop anyway...

I just feel unsettled. Like i don't fit. Like i can't really communicate as well as i should. Like i've reached some sort of wall that i can't get over.

I don't even know if i'm making sense right now. I'm not even making sense to myself.

I'm complaining too much...

The internship starts in the morning.

Today has definitely been interesting: Going to church with a sickly roommate; Leaving church to take the sickly roommate to MedPoint; Going to the 5th grade party, since they will be joining us as 6th graders when school lets out; having 20 minutes to sit down and eat before going to the youth leader meeting; sitting for an hour and a half while we try to brainstorm on things we need to do as a ministry to better reach the youth in our ministry; having another 20 minutes or so before the next meeting, which was the Core Leadership meeting which lasted until almost 8pm; Then talking to people afterwards; Going to get Julia her meds for all the things she has right now.... which took forever.

It is currently almost 11:30pm and we all have the internship to be at at 8:55am. This is the reason i have energy drinks.

I have come to a conclusion about some things... I need more of Jesus... I can't keep going through the days without talking to Him.

It is finally the weekend. I have gotten through this week. There have been tears, frustrations, and lots of TV watching time. I just now turned on worship music for the first time all week. My computer is currently residing on the dining room table. I would like to have it in the bedroom, or even in the living room, just across the divider wall between the two areas. But... i still have stuff to arrange properly.

My roommate is coming back Monday. I do not know what I am going to do with all my stuff before she gets back. I can't put anything away right now because I have no place to put it all. Not proper places anyway. My desk stuff has no home because I have no desk. Anything in the intern office is basically up for grabs. I should put stuff there that I don't want... like the abundance of pens that I have gathered from events where they hand out free stuff, and what they mean by "free stuff" is usually pens... or sticky notes. I have plenty of those, too.... and I can never find one when I need it.

I feel like today was sort of wasted...