Pressed But Not Crushed

It's been hard. It's going to continue being hard. Casey's message tonight was a sort of pep-talk for the interns. He mentioned us in his message when talking about pressure and stuff. He said something about diamonds and how they are formed. It was good. Hard, but good.

I've had many different things compounding together lately that have been stressing me out, making me more vulnerable to stress, etc. So... i'm going to go to bed now... because it all begins again tomorrow... but i will be spending some time with Sara in the evening, after running errands during the day, and hopefully getting my car to my mechanic to make sure the leaks get fixed. I can't believe that i've been driving it with the leaks for so long... definitely not good, but there hasn't been much i could do about it lately, but now i have to.

cell phone, sunburn, & forced insomnia

Yesterday i was at Casey and Erin's for Memorial Day. They had invited me and Kandice since they knew we were still in town. While there i texted my parents to see if they were doing anything. I haven't gotten to talk to them much in the last few weeks. I asked my Dad if they had any company, if my brother and his girlfriend had come over at all. He said they hadn't coz they were working. I told him that we were having bbq, and he replied back that he couldn't have that anymore. I texted him back and asked why. He said coz 2 weeks ago he found out from the doctor that he has diabetes...

I can't say that i hadn't expected that. I had wondered since it runs in his family, particularly since all of his siblings have it to some degree. It's still kind of interesting hearing that he has been diagnosed with diabetes. He called me after i started to text him back, and he said that he and Mom have been walking to one of the little shops in town every day, and he had been up on the roof sweeping it off and cleaning out the gutters, and he's measuring how much food he eats and stuff now. So, it sounds like it's got him doing some more healthy things.

Today has been fun, but it wore me out. I went to help Casey out with something at one of the local middle schools. They had a day where they did stuff outside. It was really nice, a little cold, but good. We got Dippin Dots for free. Those things are amazing :-P I'm sore from going back and forth trying to keep these little hoops in the right spots for kids to run through like the football players do the tires. No one could run through them properly, and they kept on taking them with them around their ankles. But they seemed to have a lot of fun with everything. I think i'm going to have to take a hot bath just to get my muscles to calm down a bit.

The internship is going interesting... The relationships with roommates seems a little strained right now. My roomie and i get along fine, but the other ones don't seem to get along with us so much, but they get along with each other. Dunno if that makes sense or not. Last night i was so stressed by everything i just wanted to get out and leave, but it was about 1am so that wasn't too smart to actually do. It just bothers me that everyone is loud and fights/argues all the time about things. I don't really know why everyone is so on edge all the time.

I got sunburnt today. So now i feel warm and slightly ill... not a good feeling. I need some sleep (which i didn't get much of last night for trying to get everything cleaned up before giving up and going to bed after 1:30am knowing i had to be up by 7:00 to get ready to go to the school today), but have to clean up the apartment because it's being shown tomorrow, apparently to some pretty important people, so we have to have it clean. Some days it just feels like bootcamp would be easier than living here.

The week since the internship officially started has been an emotional one. I have cried, been frustrated, shoveled rocks with a bad attitude but was able to just take out my frustrations on the rocks.... and i've cried some more... during meetings with my supervisors for the summer.

I have just felt disoriented lately. Maybe it's from a lack of sleep. Or just adjusting to this new setting. I'm not that good with change. I think that I'm also probably just PMSing right now... which usually throws my emotions for a loop anyway...

I just feel unsettled. Like i don't fit. Like i can't really communicate as well as i should. Like i've reached some sort of wall that i can't get over.

I don't even know if i'm making sense right now. I'm not even making sense to myself.

I'm complaining too much...

The internship starts in the morning.

Today has definitely been interesting: Going to church with a sickly roommate; Leaving church to take the sickly roommate to MedPoint; Going to the 5th grade party, since they will be joining us as 6th graders when school lets out; having 20 minutes to sit down and eat before going to the youth leader meeting; sitting for an hour and a half while we try to brainstorm on things we need to do as a ministry to better reach the youth in our ministry; having another 20 minutes or so before the next meeting, which was the Core Leadership meeting which lasted until almost 8pm; Then talking to people afterwards; Going to get Julia her meds for all the things she has right now.... which took forever.

It is currently almost 11:30pm and we all have the internship to be at at 8:55am. This is the reason i have energy drinks.

I have come to a conclusion about some things... I need more of Jesus... I can't keep going through the days without talking to Him.

It is finally the weekend. I have gotten through this week. There have been tears, frustrations, and lots of TV watching time. I just now turned on worship music for the first time all week. My computer is currently residing on the dining room table. I would like to have it in the bedroom, or even in the living room, just across the divider wall between the two areas. But... i still have stuff to arrange properly.

My roommate is coming back Monday. I do not know what I am going to do with all my stuff before she gets back. I can't put anything away right now because I have no place to put it all. Not proper places anyway. My desk stuff has no home because I have no desk. Anything in the intern office is basically up for grabs. I should put stuff there that I don't want... like the abundance of pens that I have gathered from events where they hand out free stuff, and what they mean by "free stuff" is usually pens... or sticky notes. I have plenty of those, too.... and I can never find one when I need it.

I feel like today was sort of wasted...

This week has been so slow at times and so fast at others. Slow in the daytime when i have had things to get done. Fast at night time when i have needed to sleep and not do anything. We, my roommates and I, have been feeling the pressure to get things organized. That finally happened last night. We've had only a little bit of time to actually relax today. We did not get to bed until late last night because we were up cleaning. But we were able to sleep sort of late. Not all that late considering the time we went to bed.

We have all been stressed. Last night before I went to bed, I was focusing on calming down and just conversing with God for a while, lest I have another panic attack. I have really felt the last week or so that I have been on the verge of having one, just because I have been so stressed lately on every front with the last few weeks of school and everything that brought with it. I was talking to Trista this morning, and how she described the last few weeks for her were the same as how I have described mine.

Tonight is youth group. I hope that I am up to par for it tonight. I hope that all of us are.

I think my bed here is too hard, or uneven or something. My back has been messed up since I started sleeping here. I have felt disoriented at night because the room is so dark, and the bed felt like it was dropped down on the right side so my muscles were strained, and the AC is the industrial type, so it sort of shakes everything slightly. I'm not kidding when I say that my ears are sensitive to different sounds or motions. That kind of thing really throws me off balance and into disorientation. It's not all that fun. Plus I've been going to bed so tired lately that I am about to fall over by the time I do go to bed.

I don't mean to complain... I feel like I am right now.

I'm trying to breathe. I really am.

Goals for the summer

I am thinking about some of my goals for this summer before i head out to my new residence for the next three months.

One of my goals is to begin exercising in some way consistently. Whether that is biking every day or playing basketball in the gym or whatever, I want to do something. I need to lose weight, but I also want to build up endurance because it really stinks not being able to run or anything without wheezing and coughing for the next hour or so. I think that one of the causes with my weight gain over the last year or so has been the medicine i've been on. That is definitely listed in the side-effects.

Another goal is to read some books. I have some that I have started but not finished. I want to finish them. And maybe start some new ones.

I also plan on just keeping in touch with people. I know so many people who are currently graduating or just simply doing something new during this year that is taking them from their home base.

I need to plan on reducing some of the stuff that I have. I am in the middle of packing/sorting/putting things in storage. It's definitely interesting.

Well, i need to possibly do something productive... or maybe just chill... I will have plenty of packing to do this evening...