Friday, January 23, 2009

Another long and rambling, venting post....

Nothing seems to be working right at the moment.

My car just broke down sort of the other day. Took it in to the mechanic. Now I can't get it back because I don't have the money right now to pay the bill. I told the mechanic that I would have to do some kind of payment plan or something. Right now I am carless and moneyless. I just got my paycheck from Bethel from the pay period right before break I guess. Only $52. My bill for my car, $378. I feel like life has run me over with a steam roller, and then rained down a ton of bricks just for the fun of it. I asked my parents to front me the money I need to pay my car bill. I am going to be paying them back out of each paycheck the next few months, since my paychecks are not that big to begin with. I just hope that working more hours will help. I won't see the new years paychecks until later on though, probably two paychecks from now. I need to fill out my tax forms and get them in so whatever I get back from that can go to my parents, coz they are lacking just about as much as I am.

My computer also just got another line showing up in it. I'm not sure if I will still be able to get a computer or not with the loan money left over from this semester. I'm not sure how I'm gonna be able to make it through the rest of this school year, and then after graduation (if that even happens at this rate) what I'm going to do, if my parents will let me stay with them and get a job in E-ville, or what.... I can't afford anything right now, I apparently can't handle my money that well, and taking the Dave Ramsey class this semester seems to be showing me just how much I've already screwed this whole finance thing up already, especially with my car stuff going on right now and not having anything in the bank to use, because my "emergency fund" has been drained from having to pay all kinds of other emergency things in the past few years dealing with my car I had then.

Car trouble just seems to find me at just the right moments to throw me off balance, and make me feel like I can't do this. The whole budget thing, being organized with stuff like that, making it through what is supposed to be my last semester of college. We'll see about that one. I want this semester to be over, but I have no motivation to even look at my homework. That, and I can think of so many other things that I need to get done before I try to get a job at home after graduation. Things I don't have the money for. A professional wardrobe being one of the things that actually worries me. Aside from the fact I hate wearing professional clothes, I don't really like shopping for them either. And I still feel like I'm not good enough to get a decent job with decent pay. Or that there are even any of those around the E-ville area.

Meh. That's all I've got for now.... today in Chapel we had Alisa Childers as our guest. She was in the group Zoe Girl. She sang a lot of her stuff from her new solo album. It was quite mellow, although it was an acoustic set. I just wish my mood hadn't been one to match it today. As the day today has progressed it has gone completely downhill. I'm worried about just about everything right now. I'm worried about how my parents are going to get by having loaned me the money for my car. I worry about how I'm gonna keep up with bills right now because of the car repair bill. I worry that I'm not gonna get my homework done for worrying too much about everything else, which has been the case most of the time so far this semester. I worry about not graduating on time.... or even being able to graduate this May. And the list could just go on and on right now.

And right now crying won't help and sleeping won't help, but I really do need to do both right now. I've been crying off and on this evening already. Now I just need to go to bed and try to sleep. Just pray that my dreams don't torment me with worry the way my thoughts have been lately with all of this worry.

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