Rambling thoughts... very rambling thoughts

Everything right now seems so far removed from this last year. Except for the homework and the dread and anxiety over all of that...

I wonder what this new year holds.

Almost everyone else I know is going places in life, friends and family alike... and sometimes I feel like I am stuck at Bethel, and stuck in Indiana. Not that Indiana is bad... I just want to do something besides be at Bethel with all of the stuff there that is making me not like the place. But I am a "super senior" and I supposed just about anyone could get frustrated with a place after 5 years of being there.

I suppose that my time of doing something will come. It sure doesn't feel like it right now. I just want to be done with Bethel and get my degree and leave and do something I enjoy. That will most likely involve computers. But how? I'm not sure. I'm not even sure where I will live once I graduate. My parents don't seem to want me to move in with them once I get out of school, even though my Dad told me that if I needed a place to stay I could come stay here. Well, maybe they will recall having said that... Who knows. I don't know what this year holds. Jobs are scarce across the nation. So will I be able to get a job when I graduate? What kind of job? I don't really want to work in retail. I'm not sure I have enough experience to become some sort of technician for any company or business. I sure don't have the degrees for it. Maybe the knowledge, and even that is shaky at times. As CKH put it, I know enough to know there's more I need to know. Because of that I really don't see my talent with computers as much as other people do. I don't usually think I'm that good with computers. Other people seem to think I am very good with them. But I don't know programming. I need to learn a lot more about electronics, LAN, networking, WiFi, digital communication... the list could go on of what I want to learn about. I just hope that someday I can actually make a living off of that knowledge and skill. Right now one of the things that frustrates me is that I don't have the money to get the tools to learn things on my own. I can't build my own computer right now coz I can't afford the parts. Otherwise I just might build my own little monster computer. I love hands on stuff. I also don't have the space to do anything at school.

Anyway... enough of that. This is probably sounding all too negative and pessimistic as it is...

I'm just not sure of what this year is going to hold. I spent most of this break trying to relax and get my mind off of school and classes and the new dorm and stuff that has been bothering me. I still have to work on my paper before next Monday, so over the weekend of the new semester, since classes start on Thursday. I don't know how this semester is going to shape up. I think I failed my one class that I have to take for my degree that I don't even get credit hours for. I need to talk to the prof on that one. I have been trying to work on an e-mail to send him. I will have to organize my room once I get back to school, which won't be all that bad, I just hate going through stuff. It's time consuming... but it will take less time if I get it done, right?

I keep getting questions regarding what I'm going to do after Bethel. I really don't know. I don't have much of an answer. I want to do something with computers. I don't even know the job market for computer related work. I especially don't know how much of a market there is in the Evansville area.... or if I will even be in the Evansville area after I graduate. I definitely don't have the finances to go out and get an apartment somewhere and get a job in some new city. I don't even have the finances to do that in South Bend. I also don't exactly have connections with people to get an apartment with in South Bend or anywhere else for that matter at the moment. I don't even know people that know people right now.

One more semester. 14 more weeks, give or take a few days. I'm not even on the 365 bandwagon anymore to take pictures to document all of this life turmoil. I think that if I could pick a picture for what I see coming up ahead it would be a parachuter without a parachute... but who knows... maybe God is asking me to "find my wings" or something figure of speech like that. I definitely need to spend more time with Him though. I have not been spending as much time with Him lately and the lack of it is palpable.

Prince Caspian is coming to mind... the cliff... the older siblings not being able to see Azlan... the struggle in the sepluchre... and to draw from another book I enjoy... about being childlike and seeing with the eyes of a child...

Even today, in church, at the church I grew up going to, and that I went to this break because it was convenient, even though I still do not agree with the agenda of the preacher, and can't even follow half of what he says because it is like an hour long monologue of bunny trails... I still heard some truth in what he said, even just a small part of it... when he said something about how the things of God are foolishness to man... and I thought, "If only you knew"... and I can't even get myself to see some of what God has done in my own life and see the sense in it... although maybe sometimes everything does not have to make sense... we live in a world where people are caught up in make-believe... and we can't even believe the real... mostly because sometimes it seems like make-believe when it is real... OK... now I'm the one going on a rabbit trail... but my point is... I still have no idea what this year holds... I know that I just have to trust God... and I have to start doing things to continue to draw close to Him.

And if you got to this point in this long-winded-somewhat-pessimistic rambling of mine I'm not sure whether to thank you for reading or apologize that you had to read through all that... Even if no one reads it, I needed to write, and sort of vent, sort of get my thoughts out of my head and onto this sounding board that this blog kind of is, even if it doesn't get read.