Forgot the deadline for the Saturday Seminar project. Also didn't have a group to do it in.

I keep not being able to get things on paper for my papers for Bib Theo. I stink at getting my thoughts on paper these days.

Adolescent Lit is a blow off class.... Since we hardly ever learn anything, and the book is lame.

Practicum for YM? The youth pastor is not doing the things he should be doing. How am I supposed to do what I should be doing if he is not properly equipping me.

Meh. I feel like this semester is doomed for disaster... which is not good since it's supposed to be my last one. Feeling like an oddball as a fifth year senior doesn't help any. Not having finances to support myself after graduation doesn't help. Neither does not knowing what I'm going to be doing once I leave here.

Basically... I'm feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed...

I know that God is doing something but right now it just seems so hard to figure out what.

I can't say "Descend On" without overwhelming panic and distrust, no matter how good my belayer.

late night ramblings

I went to a time of worship at the Shiloh Prayer Chapel this evening. That was good. It's been a long time since I was in there, especially for a community worship event. I miss Prayer Watch...

I have a paper to work on tomorrow. And a presentation to prepare for Friday morning. This is going to be interesting. Coz neither I or my groupmate on this project have gotten together to do anything yet. Lovely. But my partner on the project is a cheerleader and was gone all of last week/end for the men's basketball games that were out of town... like Branson, MO out of town... long ways...

One of the girls from youth group is going to be on campus a couple of times this week for different college preview stuff. I hope I don't come off the wrong way if I don't have much time...

I need to go to the store tomorrow... Aldi has good prices on milk. Might look at some other stuff to get there if I can get some healthy stuff... although I'm not sure that is even possible at Aldi... where everything is mostly packaged stuff that is an off-brand name and is much cheaper.

I took a nap earlier this evening, because working on my project with the girl in my group fell through. I wasn't sure how much time I had this evening. I feel like I was a jerk to one of my friends. If you read this, I'm sorry, I was just feeling extremely overwhelmed at the time you messaged me, and I didn't mean to be a jerk to you.

Once I got back I was able to check my e-mail and she'd finally e-mailed me back about meeting tonight, saying she couldn't. So since I was so tired from the Bib Theo class (which for some reason makes me go cross-eyed and get drowsy) that I came back to my room and took a nap on the loveseat in the living room. Not the most comfortable thing to do, coz your feet end up falling asleep from being up on the arm of it. I kept falling asleep and then waking up and jerking myself awake, because I was cold from the furnace fan going, and the light was on, and I wasn't all that comfortable...

Anyway... this is a very long post, and I should be going to bed... I need to get up somewhat early to shower and start writing on my paper that I somehow accidentally deleted or didn't save properly. If I had one of those waterproof pen and notepads, I could save time and write the paper in the shower... I seriously have some of my best (and sometimes not so great) ideas while isolated in the shower. Or when I'm falling asleep.... Never when I am fully conscious and sitting in front of my computer... which is most of my life these days... Maybe computers really do kill brain cells... Hmmm... I get tired of not using my imagination as much as I used to... I feel like my creativity has gone down the drain as I get older... I want to be the kind of person who thinks of something by "staring out a window" like that one story goes with the guy complaining about another guy who is in his office staring out the window all the time, while everyone else is being a number-cruncher and go-get-em kind of worker... But while they are doing, doing, doing, he is thinking, and he figures out a solution to something... I used to think of stuff all the time... and although some of it was somewhat crazy and usually improbable, at least I was trying new things out in my head, instead of just going through the motions of stuff all the time...

OK, I really need to go to bed, because now everyone is going to be bored, or think I'm a wacko, or both...

Goodnight everybody....

Well, I've not posted on here for quite a while. I don't even remember what I last posted about. I'm sure that not much has happened since then. Life has been crazy since getting back from spring break. At least now it's spring. This last week there wasn't one night that I got to bed before 1am. That pretty much had me wiped out for the weekend. I didn't have anything planned for yesterday so I slept in as late as I could, which ended up being about 11:00. And I even slept through my alarm this morning and missed church today. I had a dream that I was wearing one of those t-shirts with speakers in them a la thinkgeek's "personal soundtrack" tee. Except the shirt I was wearing was red, I think. And I couldn't find the off button. So I kept hearing Bono belting out "It's a beautiful day... Don't let it get away..." with the guitar and everything... repeating itself multiple times. It started to get annoying, and I kept trying to turn it off somehow. I finally became conscious enough to reach to my phone and peck the OK key to get it to shut off, but by then it had apparently gone off for about half an hour because I didn't get up after that until about 10:20am. I had woken up earlier in the morning, around 6am to my roommates' alarm clock beeping. It had been set for 5:15am coz they had a track meet to go to and had to be up then yesterday morning. So, it had been going off for a while, too. I must have been really out of it.

So far today I have watched the movie "Wargames: The Dead Code". It was really good. Nice action, tech stuff that I enjoyed. I don't think I've ever seen the original, or if I have it's been a while. I think I saw the movie "Hackers" but not the first Wargames movie. It was a good choice, though.

I haven't done much other than that, and look up stuff online, and send in a paper that was due earlier last week. Now I need to see what else I have to do before tomorrow. Last night, even when I went to bed before midnight, I still didn't get to sleep much before 1am. I kept thinking about stuff. Wondering if I had any big papers due this week. Thinking about how I'm going to get things done by the time graduation roles around. What I need to get done for graduation. How am I going to get all my stuff home after graduation. Am I going to have the money to pay off everything up here before I leave? I have a medical bill I'm still paying on. And a late fee from the library. And a very small paycheck this last time. Yes, I realize I need to be smarter with my money. I don't need any responses on that front...

Looking forward to graduation is somewhat hard, sort of not. Hard because I do not know how many people I know who will actually be able to come. My parents aren't up to traveling, which I understand. I'm not sure how all my stuff is going to get home. I'm not sure how many, if any, close friends will be able to come. I've heard rumors of certain family coming, but not sure if they will make it up here either. And graduating and leaving Bethel will be somewhat easy because I am very seriously feeling the "senioritis" being a 5th year senior because my friends have already graduated, and I doesn't know many of those in the classes below mine, and I'm just ready to do life without so many rules and people looking over my shoulder every minute. Although that might still be the case if one is prone to believing all the "big brother" stuff they see on TV...

Anyway.... this post has gotten long and rambly. I could probably think of a bunch of other things to fill it with, too, but I'm not feeling like writing much more.... which you are all probably thankful for...

dream ramblings... deep thoghts... and some tech ramblings...

I had a dream last night where I was with some people I know, and we were in a room that I had seen before in a dream (many of my locations are repeated often) and we were talking and sitting at a table. Someone took something that I had in front of me, and I got upset, because there were not very many of them, and I think I had other things on my mind, that sort of made it one of those "last straw" situations or something. I'm not sure why or anything, that's just the direction the dream went. I don't think I'm at that kind of point right now at all. Anyway, I ran off to this place in the building where I was trying to lock the doors behind me, but ended up in a room that was adjacent to the room with the other people in it. I then tried to lock this elaborate door system between the rooms. It was like a scene from a suspense movie, but after fumbling with the locks and stuff, I got them to latch together properly, and then was somewhat emotional. Then one of the people who had I think been out with the others, came in behind the wall, through a different door somehow. No one else really wanted to come back there, I guess. I heard them asking each other if this person would be able to talk to me. And the girl that came back there signed to me in ASL, because she knew it was important that we talk and not be overheard, since the wall could not be seen through but could be heard through. And she said "You don't have to control the situation." YOU NOT-NEED CONTROL SITUATION. I did not respond because I woke up. But I felt like it was God telling me not to worry, or invest my time in things I could not control, but wanted to. And also, not to get upset with things minor, or that don't really matter in the long run.

I also had another dream where I was in the dream version of Griffin that I have in my head, I don't know how or why it looks like it does, but it's sort of a mix between what I know of Griffin, and what it might look like in a video game. Why I turned Griffin into a video game world in my head, I don't know. But anyway, I was in a yard somewhere, and wondered where my sister Mary went. It was summer time, and I had been hanging out with the youth from a church (i think some of them were from where I'm at now, but some weren't, they were just there from somewhere...). I later found out that she was waiting patiently to ambush some of the kids with a Super Soaker. Once I got to talk with her later I asked if we could have a Super Soaker truce between us so we would agree not to soak each other, but to go after the neighborhood kids.

Yeah, random and strange. Not sure what that last dream was about.

Anyway... my computer should be in tomorrow. I need to clean my room so I can do the unboxing video in here. I am trying to figure out when I should pick it up from the mailroom. Coz I'm not sure that I can get it before I go in to work, so maybe if I don't have many work orders I can talk my boss into letting me go get it, since everyone at work wants to see it too. Maybe then I could use the real camcorder to take my video... I do need to clean up my desk, and my room in general. Health checks are happening this week, and my room is a disaster area. It's been bothering me lately, but I've not had that much time to actually work on it. And my desk... well, I'm somewhat like my brother was when he was still living at home... he apparently always had every glass from the kitchen in his room from when he used them... my desk is the same way... I have all kinds of glasses and bottles and take out cups on it... I don't know why I can't just take them over to the trash or out to the recycling in the hall, or to the sink in the kitchen. Oh well... It's something I'm working on. I hope to have a video up by tomorrow night or Tuesday once I get my computer all up and running and get stuff installed that I want to get installed. I still need to purchace Office for it. Hopefully I can get over to the bookstore and do that before I go home for break. It would be helpful for getting things done over break. I'm excited that I am going to have a standalone version of Photoshop so I can work on pictures... that came with my computer. Definitely cool. I've been looking forward to tomorrow all weekend... I still need to work on my theology paper this evening. I took a two or three hour nap earlier, though, and have a cola right now. So I will probably be up for a while anyway...

A long day

I feel like I haven't spoken to anyone in days. Not a really good conversation anyway. I did Thursday night with Sara. Friday was not very social. I didn't feel very good for most of the day. And today I was stuck in class all day. I kind of really wanted to hang out with people this evening, but I didn't find anyone to hang out with. I went to SG to grab dinner and came back to my room and watched a movie. Then I played my djembe here in the room, with a blanket stuck in the end so it wouldn't be loud and bother other people. That kind of helped some. Looking forward to church tomorrow, just to be in His presence. Tomorrow afternoon I'm going to have to write a paper for Monday's Bib. Theo. class. Ugh. That class is eating my lunch. At least I think that's the proper use of the phrase...

Anyway... I'm off to bed because of the long day in class today... and we even got out an hour early because the speaker wanted to go to the basketball game! I don't know if we won or not. It was a good class, but they are always so long. By the end I was so antsy to get out of the room. I tried to take a nap, but couldn't. Probably too much caffeine anyway. I got a chai this evening, so not as much caffeine as a coffee... or it just doesn't affect me in that way from chai as coffee does. I'm tired now, and no one is on AIM or anything, so I'm just going to go to bed. I'm going to try to make it to Crossroads in the morning. I haven't been for a long time...

Goodnight all...

So many things on my mind right now. Of course isn't that normal for my blog posts?

I am pretty stoked about the computer that I ordered from Dell on Friday... but I have to wait until it gets here... which I am not too enthusiastic about waiting, but what can you do?

I have a bunch of homework to do tonight... reading stuff then writing about it mostly. I am going to hole up in the computer lab tomorrow night and work on my paper for Senior Sem as it is due on Thursday, but I can still work on it after that, the paper just has to be good enough for a passing grade to be put on the books. Then I can work on it more after that if necessary...

I keep getting so distracted...

And, yes, I am going to go all tech/geek when I get my computer and do an unboxing video from my camera (without sound though, because I don't have a mic on my camera, but I might put music to it), and I will then upload it somehow for ya'll to see who read my blog. I need to get a copy of Office from the campus bookstore soon so I can get that installed when I get my new compy. At least that will end the having to type things on Google Docs and then copy/paste them into Word and do all the formatting there. Finally. After over four years of having to find some other way to get my papers written. And I will be able to open documents and stuff... Do you have any idea how good it will be to finally be able to write papers on my own computer? Or open things without having to wait until I can get to the computer lab? Or be able to have a couple of "extra" programs on my computer, like Google Earth and a Twitter app? Or being able to Skype with friends and family with the built in mic and webcam? OK, OK, I'll stop... but for me... getting a new computer is very very exciting...

Thinking about dreams and dreaming of things, more daydreaming of things... Needing to get homework done... at some point. I still have things that I'm working on to get in to prof's this week. Ugh. Feeling like Relient K right now... missing the sun... although we've had some sun and very warm 60 degree weather. It's been nice, but it's about to get cold again. I'm still in hibernation mode. Working on that. Been out of that mode for over the weekend and now I'm back in it. During the week I get run ragged from my classes and work schedule, and homework and youth group... which I will be doing more of the next couple of months prior to graduating. Just went to talk with Casey today about stuff for the semester. Gotta take stuff in to my prof for the class tomorrow. I don't like Monday's and Wednesday's... mostly because everything is so spread out that I only have about an hour between things and that's not time enough for me to get things done at the pace I normally function at when reading/writing a paper. And days like today, by the time I get off work, and run errands like I did today, I'm wiped out by dinner time. And I'm still up, why? I don't even know.

This is getting long and rambly. I could make a point to myself about some things right now... but will save it for later. Or not at all. I just keep thinking about things I want to do, when I should probably be focusing on the here and now... and blah, blah, blah...

Anyway... I really am just rambling now... and I should probably go to bed as this is probably not making sense to anyone, and I'm tired and am going to have a very long day tomorrow... Worrying is not good, but I do it anyway... I think I'd rather just dream instead of worry... alrighty... off to bed...